Will I Love My Second Child as Much as I Love My First?
Photo: Danielle Koubaroulis
I am 23 weeks and five days away from meeting my next baby, but unlike my first pregnancy, the fears of labor and delivery, breastfeeding and picking the perfect baby name are no longer at the top of my “worry list.” Instead my anxiety is focused on how I could possibly love this child as much as I love my first — my dear, sixteen month-old, Penelope.
I felt connected to Penelope the day I saw the word “yes” flash across the digital pee test, and over the next nine months my relationship with my unborn child grew as I wrote to her in my journal and talked to her aloud during my long drives to and from work. I never questioned my ability to love her, since I was already in love with her months before we met.
Once Penelope was born, my world was shaken and shifted in a direction I never expected. My priorities, desires and dreams now all center around my daughter and her happiness. I’ve become lost in her blue-eyed love spell and am finally able to truly grasp the concept of unconditional love and sacrifice.
My current pregnancy, on the other had, hasn’t been a connected love-fest of diary entries and soft sung lullabies. It’s been filled with exhaustion, nausea and complex thoughts that routinely make me doubt my ability to equally love and mother two children simultaneously.
Although embarrassed and a bit ashamed, I hesitantly asked my friend Jessica, a recent mom to two kids under two years old, if she carried the same fear during her second pregnancy. “Of course,” she responded! “What you are feeling is normal. All you know is your love for Penelope, who you think is perfect.” She continued, “How could you think any other baby would be better, even your own?” Jessica went on to tell me that I will probably carry my doubt throughout my pregnancy. She said, “But once that new baby is in your arms, you’ll feel instant relief and fall in love all over again.” Jessica went on to remind me of one of the main reasons I want to expand our family, saying, “And just wait for your children to connect, watch and respond to one another — that is a whole new love you will all get to experience.”
I hung up the phone and took a deep breath. I no longer felt alone and I no longer felt like a bad mother for having those thoughts. Instead I realized my fear of not being able to love my second child like my first was due to my deep desire to give another what I had already given one.
Learn more about Danielle, a newly added guest blogger for The Bump by watching her introductory video here!
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Thanks for this honest post. I think people resist admitting this stuff, and I think it’s important that you shared!
Oh thank you for sharing your feelings!! I feel the exact same way! The poor second baby who doesn’t get her own journal LOL I am 16 weeks along and I feel a lot more connected/excited than I did when I was 8 weeks along, but I still can’t imagine. My mother and other women tell me your love just multiplies, and I’m sure it will. Maybe it is just something we can’t imagine until we experience it, so I try not to worry too much
Thank you for talking about this. I had my first daughter 4/10/11 and my second daughter is due 10/11/12, so they are awfully close. I’ve been having the same worries about not feeling the same affection for #2 as I do with #1. I never really had that instant feeling of connection when I became pregnant the first time, though. I didn’t feel that love until I had her and finally held her in my arms. It makes me feel like a bad mother because, although I loved both of them since I knew I was pregnant, I don’t have that connection until they are here. I just hope my very attached daughter takes okay to being a big sister and sharing attention with her!
My first is 6yrs old so it’s been a long time since I’ve been through this. I remember I really enjoyed being pregnant the first time but this time, not so much. Everything is different now and life is so much busier that I haven’t had as much time to focus on this pregnancy like before. I’ve also had a very long time to bond with my first (many times where it was just the two of us for various reasons) that I worry about being able to bond with this new baby. Now here I am expecting any day and I still haven’t much enjoyed this pregnancy. I am so happy you shared and even happier to see the poll at the end so that I now know I don’t have to feel ashamed for these feelings I’ve kept mostly to myself. BF has said he feels less connected this time around too and I haven’t felt anything towards him for that, but I have felt like there is something wrong with me for feeling this way since I’m the one carrying the child.
I think it is sad that 63% chose “Yes, I am so in love with my first I can’t imagine loving another child as much”
If you don’t think you can equally love your new child then you had no business getting pregnant again in the first place.
Are you people serious?
Just came across this and thought it was perfect to add to this post –
Loving Two
As I walk along holding your 2-year-old hand, basking in the glow of our magical relationship. Suddenly I feel a kick from within, as if to remind me that our time alone is limited. And I wonder: How could I ever love another child as I love you?
Then she is born, and I watch you. I watch the pain you feel at having to share me as you’ve never shared me before. I hear you telling me in your own way, “Please love only me” And I hear myself telling you in mine,”I can’t,” knowing, in fact, that I never can again.
You cry. I cry with you. I almost see our new baby as an intruder on the precious relationship we once shared. A relationship we can never quite have again.
But then, barely noticing, I find myself attached to that new being, and feeling almost guilty. I’m afraid to let you see me enjoying her — as though I am betraying you.
But then I notice your resentment change, first to curiosity, then to protectiveness, finally to genuine affection.
More days pass, and we are settling into a new routine. The memory of days with just the two of us is fading fast. But something else is replacing those wonderful times we shared, just we two.
There are new times — only now, we are three. I watch the love between you grow, the way you look at each other, touch each other. I watch how she adores you — as I have for so long. I see how excited you are by each of her new accomplishments.
And I begin to realize that I haven’t taken something from you, I’ve given something to you. I notice that I am no longer afraid to share my love openly with both of you. I find that my love for each of you is as different as you are, but equally strong.
And my question is finally answered, to my amazement. Yes, I can love another child as much as I love you — only differently.
And although I realize that you may have to share my time, I now know you’ll never share my love. There’s enough of that for both of you — you each have your own supply.
I love you — both.