Hilarious New Mommy Halloween Costumes

My husband is dressing as Captain Ameda, breast pump avenger.
My husband is dressing as Captain Ameda, breast pump avenger.

My Facebook page currently features an image of a mom in a Wonder Woman costume nursing Baby Superman. Not surprisingly, I am a breastfeeding momma myself, currently approaching month eight with our little girl, Evie. While a red satin bustier does sound appealing in terms of being able to easily whip out my boob on demand — and the shiny gold belt would perfectly cover up my c-section scar — I haven’t decided what I’m going to dress up as on October 31, as I’m too busy obsessing over Evie’s first ever Halloween costume (I’ve narrowed the options down to Madonna circa 1985 and a ladybug.) But if I do decide to dress up, a number of perfect new mommy-esque costumes await me, most of them easily thrown together with objects currently lying around my tornado of a home:

Costume: New mommy

Accessories: Milk-splattered nursing tank with one strap unhooked, exposing breast; smoky gray eye shadow for enhancing undereye dark circles; Crisco to massage into scalp for that “I haven’t washed my hair in five days” look; sweat pants with cotton mesh hospital underwear peeking over the waistband; three-month-old pedicure.

Costume: Female reproductive tract

Accessories: Write “UTERUS” across the chest of an old tank top; underneath, wear a turtleneck in a contrasting color and have a friend write “FALLOPIAN TUBE” on each arm. Buy a pair of stretchy cotton gloves in yet another color and label them each “OVARY.” Walk around with your arms raised above your head all night long.

Costume: Sexy Reproductive Endocrinologist

Accessories: Super-tight lab coat with plunging neckline; white stiletto heels with red American crosses on the sides; shove five baby dolls in a doctor’s satchel so their heads all peek out of the top. When children approach you yelling, “Trick or Treat!”, hand them a vial of Follicle Stimulating Hormone. Bonus: Drive around in the most expensive car you can find and slap a “My Other Car is a Petri Dish” bumper sticker across the back fender.

Costume: The Baby Whisperer

Accessories: Dark blue button down shirt, tie and stethoscope; carry a copy of The Happiest Baby on the Block; name tag that reads “Harvey Karp, MD”; go up to everyone and yell, “SHHHH!” while wildy gesticulating with a swinging-baby motion.

Costume: Professional wrestler named “The Sultan of Swaddle”

Accessories: Sew a toga out of Aden + Anais muslin swaddle blankets;  cinch it with a gold Championship-style belt with giant letter “S”. Gold lame knee-high platform boots. Swaddle a Cabbage Patch Kid and tuck him under your arm, along with a copy of Baby-Gami: Baby Wrapping for Beginners. Carry around a spray bottle full of tanning oil so you can constantly mist yourself (a good swaddler breaks a sweat).

Costume: Lactation Consultant

Accessories: Breast pump to carry on your shoulder; My Brest Friend Velcro-strapped around your waist; string a long piece of yarn through multiple nipple shields and wear them around your neck like a necklace; ILCA nametag; baby bottle to drink champagne out of at the party. Give yourself a dual-handed knuckle tattoo that reads BREAST = BEST. Optional: “La Leche League Forever” lower back tattoo.

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