What Changes After Baby Arrives (Hint: A Lot)
A few nights ago during a heated husband-wife argument, my other half slipped in how I am not the adventurous, pre-child lifestyle-maintaining mom I once swore I’d be. This is true. Prior to having my daughter, I would talk extensively about how our life would move forward as normal with the simple insertion of a child. I envisioned dinners out with a quiet baby sleeping in a sling. I talked of routine date nights full of wine and dancing, and I assured our annual overseas vacations would continue without a hitch.
What I promised was based on the life I was living, the only life I had known — one without a baby. What I hadn’t been privy to was the extreme exhaustion, innate needs of my child, and a shift in my own personal desires that would drastically change my perspective and reality of parenthood.
The exhaustion. When you’re weeks away from delivery and family, friends, and even strangers make the snarky comment “sleep while you can,” they aren’t joking. They aren’t making fun (well maybe, a little). They’re simply trying to advise that once your newborn arrives your sleep may be may be non-existent, and even when your baby becomes a routine, 10 to 12 hour a night sleeper — you will never sleep the way you did pre-delivery. You will wake at every noise; you will worry at every cough; and you will rock, soothe, make bottles, and change diapers in a state of delirium at 2 a.m. It gets better, and it gets easier, but it will never be the same. And even after nights when my husband and I get a complete night’s sleep, we’re still exhausted! What first-time parents may not realize is that, after the baby is born, life for most continues on just as it had pre-baby, with hundreds of additional responsibilities inserted before, during, and after work. This equates to complete exhaustion! My point? I’m tired! If I have free time (which usually comes between the hours of 8:30 p.m. and 10:00 p.m.) I want to take a hot shower or watch trashy TV shows. I have no desire to over-indulge in alcohol, dance on tables, or bar hop.
The needs of my child. In my fantasy world, I’d have given birth to an adaptable baby who would sleep through dinners out, car rides home, and stroller trips through the mall. Oh, did I get it wrong. I never accounted for the need to accommodate my child’s schedule. I had no idea that a well-rested, confident, and good tempered child develops from the love of their parents in addition to an environment that provides consistency and routine in every area of their infant existence. This means being home for scheduled nap times, bath times, and bed times. This means waking, eating meals, playing, and putting the baby to bed at regular times each day and night. This means it is very difficult to plan anything for yourself to do because your day is dictated by the schedule and innate needs of your baby. Once I was empowered with this information, I gladly gave up my spontaneous trips to Target, the grocery store and other not-really-important locations, knowing it was vital to develop a routine that would later allow for pleasant mommy and baby trips out.
My own personal desires. I quickly learned that pregnancy and motherhood are worlds apart. What you thought, envisioned and dreamed of while pregnant may be a very different (sometimes better, sometimes worse) reality once a mother. I experienced an instant transformation the moment I laid eyes on our daughter. I am consumed by my child and my fierce desire to love, provide, educate, and teach her everything that is possible (and age appropriate). I rarely choose to be away from her, and genuinely prefer playing blocks on our living room floor together rather than shopping or getting my nails done.
Everything my husband said was true. I thought I would be that mom who made parenthood look easy, who made parenthood look, well, not like parenthood. But what I have since learned is that having a child changes your life completely and irrevocably. And if it doesn’t, you’re probably doing something wrong.
How has pregnancy and/or parenthood changed you?
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You can never know how it will be, how you will be, until you are there. I had a hard time paying attention to what my husband was saying with baby in the room. I would interrupt him if baby needed something, almost like something instinctual made it impossible to do anything while my baby had a need. I also found that I got SO much affection/touch from baby, I didn’t need as much from my spouse (but he needed it still).
I love your post, Danielle! My kids are now 5 1/2 and 2 1/2, and we’re at the point of not only managing their general care, doctor appointments, playdates etc… but have added on the never-ending juggling of two different school schedules, classroom volunteer requests, PTA meetings, etc. on top of our own adult responsibilities to our jobs and our home! My brain is on such overload, I still have trouble having a focused conversation with my husband – or anyone for that matter!
great post! very true on all accounts. and i get the “why can’t you be like you were when we dated in high school”… HA! where to start on that answer
This is a great post! I read the first paragraph and that described my husband and I almost exactly. I was in the hospital 2 weeks after having my son this past August, and still recovering at home – but well enough now to get around.
He and I have had the “I thought you were going to be the same as when we first got married” and other variations of that discussion. He needs the affection but I find it hard both physically and mentally right now. And I am so happy to be with my baby sometimes I forget about my husband. LOL
We are working on developing new patterns and getting in date nights when we can, to keep up our romance and relationship.
I am so glad so many other mom’s can relate. I could have written more about this, but word count! It is a hard transition learning how to be a mom while also learning how to be a wife in a different way then before life with baby. My own husband read the comments posted here and I think it helped him understand ‘it isn’t just me’. The night he read this post when it was just a draft he responded “it is so well written, but I am sad, I miss you”. He didn’t need to explain further, I understood – it is a learning process but I am dedicated to being a wonderful mother and learning to be a present, wonderful wife again, with due time.
Since getting pregnant me and my husband have been less intimate and he is really a crab I tell him I’m tired but he still wants what he wants
We’ve been saving tons of money from our “entertainment”/dining out fund – without even meaning to! We continued to budget the same amount as we did pre-baby, but we just don’t spend it. Going out to eat isn’t as easy as it used to be. He never was a fantastic sleeper in his car seat and it’s not as fun to go out when you’re holding a baby. I’d rather eat at home! We also eat dinner a lot earlier – we used to always eat around 6:00 p.m., but now we eat as soon as he goes down for a nap anywhere close to dinner time!
Date nights are often Netflix movies on the couch. It’s a different life, but it’s a great life!
Did the two of you fail to speak to other parents beforehand
? I have made it a priority to talk to other mommies so I have a realistic sense of what we are in for and boy have people given me earfuls!
I feel like you were just naive to have made such promises to your husband but he was also wildly naive to have believed them, and furthermore to continue to hold you to your word. I wonder if this is at all related to the amount of time youve been married before you get pregnant. My husband and I have been together for five years and are looking forward to our lives changing.