Never (Ever!) Say This to a New Mom
Photo: Jecamean / The Bump
You know what never gets old? Being accosted by a complete stranger in the grocery store as you’re trying to wheel your cart down the international foods aisle without the baby grabbing and smashing an expensive jar of kalamata olives on the floor.
“Ohhhh, just look at that little face!” these people squeal. “Enjoy every minute, because they grow up before you know it!”
OK, I’m lying. This gets very old, very fast. As does the advice — no, demand — to focus on the present, be in the moment and appreciate the little things, because it all goes so fast. People especially love to say this to new moms.
I know they mean well, but I always wanted to tell these people, “Look, I get that your baby grew up overnight and is now graduating college and you’re all sentimental about it, but mine is still an actual baby who gets up multiple times a night and demands attention and nourishment and diaper changes around the clock. So you’ll excuse me if I don’t agree with you that this time is as fleeting and precious as a rainbow.” Depending on how much sleep and coffee I’d had, I also may have had the urge to ram their shins with my grocery cart.
And let’s talk about this “enjoy every moment” thing for a minute. When people say that, I imagine they are picturing a baby taking his first steps, laughing in delight as a butterfly lands on his nose in a meadow of wildflowers, or maybe they’re referring to watching your little angel sleep peacefully in her crib. Well, who wouldn’t enjoy those moments?!
But what about the moments when you’re waiting in line at the pharmacy and your toddler is grabbing every single pack of gum off the rack and rummaging in the trashcan that’s probably filled with used hypodermic needles? What about when you’re on a plane and your baby is releasing noxious fumes into his diaper and the surrounding airspace? What about when you take your child to get a haircut and he throws a complete hissy fit that results in unfortunate bangs and a hair-covered lollipop? Anyone lining up to savor those moments? Anyone?!
What many people fail to understand (or remember) is that when you have a small child, there are many, many moments in the day, especially if they get up before dawn and boycott naps like my kids. Even the Dalai Lama himself could not be fully present and at peace for that many moments in a row.
These are the moments you’ll find me enjoying: when I come downstairs wearing earrings and a clean T-shirt for once and my toddler son says, “You look pretty, Mommy!” That puddle on the floor? That’s my heart melting. Or even moments like the morning when we were brushing our teeth and he looked in the mirror and said, “We all have eyebrows.” He is like a tiny Zen Buddhist, full of awareness and wisdom.
My advice for those grocery-store philosophers? Approach a mom with a small child cautiously, as you would a bear in the wild. If you must, you may squeal, “Ohhhh, just look at that little face!” But after that, keep moving.
Unless you want to have a moment you might not enjoy so much.
How do you deal with people telling you to “savor every moment?”
Plus, more from The Bump:
Before I Had Babies, I Never Appreciated…
Biggest New Mom Surprises, and How to Deal
The Knot Blog
The Nest Blog
Actually, when I say that…I DO mean the sleepless nights, the constant crying, the momma-hold-me-forever-and-never-put-me-down-or-i’ll-scream moments. Those moments become precious when you look at your 15 year old and wonder…where is my little baby?! You will think…there was a time when they trusted me in every way possible…now they question everything I say. And my teens get a kick out of the stories I tell them about when they were babies. The colic-y times, exploding bowl movements, forcing feeding, vomiting, catching poop in the hands because you already threw the old diaper out and didn’t have the new in place…and not wanting to dirty the new diaper. Then there’s crayon on the walls, frozen insects in the freezer, songs that get sung nonstop, basketball in the house, and on and on. Yes, the first few months (years) is hard…but those memories are the special ones. For me, they help me reconnect with my kids today. I remember how much I really love them. And they really are amazed at how much I remember…as teens tend to feel misunderstood and unappreciated and sometimes unloved. They feel loved with shared memories. So YES! ENJOY EVERY SECOND!
I totally agree with you!!
My baby is in the NICU so I am awaiting all those moments and you should enjoy them because some people never get them!
[...] me in the grocery store when I’m with a small, ornery person demanding Go-Gurt and tell me to enjoy every moment [...]
Ha! This is exactly how I feel on a daily basis. It seems people saying those things to me generally didn’t have quite as many kids quite as close together as I do…having been through infertility, birth-of-child-with-special-needs, near-death, NICU, PICU and many other “show me how precious life truly is” moments, I do try very hard to live in the moment and enjoy the good times when they come, while breathing deeply through the many hard moments. But that comment brings no one anything but a desire to pull hair out!
I think it’s a really insulting thing to say, personally. Just think of the multitude of things moms do on a daily basis with children. Then have a complete stranger perhaps look at you because you are exasperated and tell you that you aren’t “enjoying” a moment enough. One more thing we need to add to our Mommy list. ENJOY more. We all DO enjoy and savor plenty, thank you very much. We don’t need to be reminded that we aren’t doing it ENOUGH in a passive aggressive kind of way. But I guess it’s such a cliche now, that people don’t mean it in a bad way. They are just repeating themselves. Still, it’s a stupid thing to say. What is it about being pregnant and having a baby that makes your privacy go out the window and invites so many public comments?
Things to “Never (Ever!) say to a new mom: The stories about people you know who had miscarriages. Shortly after I started telling people I was pregnant I was told countless stories about miscarriages, or some other fatal birth experiences “my daughter had,” or “my best friend’s sister” had. Really?! I don’t want to hear those things after discovering I’ll be having a baby. Say something encouraging!
Since I am dealing with the pain and struggle of infertility, I feel like I would accept all of those awful moments in my life if it meant that I would also be able to experience the love, joy, and triumph of raising a child. At this point in my life, I’d rather have a baby and have someone tell me to enjoy every moment, than to have people tell me things like “I think you just need to relax and let it happen” as I’m going into my second IVF cycle.
I know how you feel. I struggled with infertility for 8 years. I’ve heard everything of the sort of “Relax and it will just happen”. I finally conceived thru IVF and everyone was telling me that as soon as the baby comes, I will never sleep ever again. As if I cared if I would ever sleep again. As if sleeping was easy when I couldn’t have a child…
I’m keeping my fingers crossed for you!! Second time might be the charm!
Wow, this blogger really needs to get over themselves…. wait tell the kids 16 and wanting nothing to do with you, you will miss those temper tantrums
No. You will never miss the temper tantrums. That was not fun. And telling someone that a temper tantrum should be cherished is off their rocker. Being a mom is the most challenging thing in the world BUT THE MOST REWARDING. We know that. It is insulting for a stranger to tell you “enjoy this MORE.” We DO. Just maybe at the moment that you see us dealing with a toddler melting down, we might might be basking in the glow of enjoyment.
Yes. Teenagers suck but that would not make me tell someone to BUCK UP and enjoy this NOW!!! I think we need to cut each other a break and not tell moms how to deal with their children at any point in the journey. I am sure everyone is doing the best that they can. No commentary required.
I’m a mom to an 8 month old baby and I say that to my friends who are pregnant or have just had their babies because I feel it is so true. Even though my little guy is still a baby I feel like the time where he was a tiny newborn just flew passed and every day I look at him he has grown just a little bit more and it makes me a little sad that soon I’ll be looking back and trying to remember him as he is today while he runs around, completely independent from me. The point of reminding moms about this is that its easy to get caught up in 2 hourly feeds, endless diaper changes, lack of sleep & miss the miracle that is our babies! I know so many moms who struggled through the first 6 months to a year and have admitted to only really enjoying their babies later on. Perhaps these are the moms that are taking offense to others saying this because I can’t see any other reason for getting so angry/upset over such a harmless, well meaning comment.
Ok what really gets under my skin is when I’m trying to enjoy my baby and some mothers just have to point out the what’s to come. Like oh just wait untill they start talking back or they start throwing those tantrums. Not to mention the numerous pointless advice. Oh your starting to give your baby food wait untill they are going to go through a spitting phase. Thank you Mrs.Obvious .. Um I know they are going to get bigger can I just enjoy the moment please!?