Why I Waited 5 Years to Have My Second Child
Photo: TriWest / The Bump
I am like most of you: a mom trying to juggle a full-time job, motherhood, marriage, some semblance of a personal life, friendships and, of course, my sanity. I have a 6-year-old son, “Buddy,” and a 20-month-old daughter, “Mimi.”
When people ask me how old my children are, I usually get the same reaction: “Wow, that’s a big age difference!” or “Hmm, they’re not very close in age, are they?” or – my personal favorite – “You sure did wait awhile!” (Yes, someone was insensitive enough to actually say that to me).
This always makes me laugh because I don’t consider five years to be a huge age difference. Of course, I may be biased, considering my sister and I are four years apart, and my husband is five years older than his sister. But it wasn’t like we had a master plan when it came to spacing out our children. We weren’t on a “schedule”; it’s just how things turned out. We moved from Baltimore to the Boston suburbs just before Buddy’s first birthday, and it took us awhile to not only adjust to our new surroundings, but also to the demands of being parents to an increasingly independent and curious little guy. He took so much of our time and energy that the thought of having to share myself with another child, and divert my attention from him, seemed heart-breaking… and completely overwhelming.
And, honestly, we wanted to enjoy our time with our son. By the time we got through the sleepless newborn nights and the terrible twos and the potty training, we had a pretty good thing going on. Buddy had a little independence and we finally had our bearings. The three of us could go out to dinner and the movies and the zoo. We could sleep in (kind of). We were perfectly content as a little family of three.
We also didn’t want to rush into baby #2. We wanted to make sure we were ready, both physically and emotionally. Plus, there’s everything else to take into consideration when deciding to have another child: finances, child care, lifestyle. We figured we would know when we were there.
And we did. Around Buddy’s fourth birthday, baby fever kicked in, and for the first time I felt truly ready to do it all over again: the midnight feedings and the diapers and the sleep deprivation. It felt right.
Enter Mimi, nine months later.
I have to say, there have been some unexpected benefits to having a large age gap between your kids, besides the fact that (unless you’re like us and have an older child with a September birthday who misses the kindergarten cut-off) you avoid the financial hit of paying “double daycare” or simultaneous college tuitions.
There’s the obvious: only one child in diapers. Buddy is independent, able to play on his own, use the bathroom by himself, grab a snack from the fridge. He is also extremely helpful, whether it’s grabbing a bib for me or handing me the telephone, which I think helped make him feel involved, especially when Mimi was small. And there is less sibling rivalry: he can use his words and communicate if he’s feeling left out or sad or needs us for something.
But at the same time, there are also some drawbacks. They’re on completely different developmental levels. While Buddy is trying to read and sound out words, a drooling Mimi wants to chew on his books like a teething ring. Because they will be five grades apart, they’ll never be in the same school at the same time. I worry that they’re not going to have much of a bond growing up, that they’ll find it hard to relate to each other. Just think: what does a 14-year-old boy have in common with his 9-year-old sister?
We all have our reasons for waiting to have another child – or not waiting. Maybe there were fertility struggles the first time around. Maybe there are financial or logistical considerations. Maybe you want to get the diaper stage over in one fell swoop. And then sometimes Mother Nature has something totally different in store for you.
For me, I’m thankful I had so much one-on-one time with my son. Waiting nearly five years before having another baby ensured I was emotionally prepared and able to cope with a second child. It also means that I’ll be able to give my daughter the same kind of attention when her brother is off at school or Little League or other “big kid” activities.
And I tell myself that a large age gap doesn’t mean they won’t be close or get along. It just means that we may have to work on it a bit more. Right now, they actually do seem to enjoy each other’s company. I see how much Buddy adores his sister (even if he tortures her at times and refuses to let her in his room) and how much Mimi idolizes him (even though she tattles on him.)
So for all the talk and debate over the “ideal” age difference between your kids, I firmly believe there is no right or wrong answer. You have to do what’s right for you and for your family. All that matters is that your children – regardless of their age difference – grow up surrounded by love. The rest will fall into place.
How far apart did you space your children? Did you plan it that way?
Plus, more from The Bump:
Waiting for Baby #2 Could Make Baby #1 Smarter
The Knot Blog
The Nest Blog
I’m 5 years older than my little brother (not by choice). But it ended up being great for us! It was right as I was starting kindergarten and I didn’t ever feel like I didn’t get enough attention because of him, the opposite, there was now another person to enjoy my performances. When we both were teenagers, we were in school together for a couple years and we were really close! Sometimes hanging out with him was better than hanging out with my friends… We tend to be at different parts of our lives at different times, but its been great for us! I hope it works out as well for your kids!
I’m five years younger than my one brother and ten years younger than my oldest brother. I have a closer relationship with the one that is ten years apart than the one that’s five so age really doesnt play a factor so much. What plays a bigger factor is the bond created as a family. If your kids know how important it is to you as a family to have a strong connection, it will show through on their side. And did I mention I have a 17yr old son along with a 5 month old daughter? LOL that is a broad span on the board if any! I know they will not have many stories to tell about them growing up together but she will be able to look up to her big brother and he’ll be there to support her and guide her through some things she may not want to talk to the parents about so much. I know it will all work out. =)
This is a great post Jessica! For us, we are planning on only having one child. But if we ever did decide we wanted a second, I believe we would have a 4 or 5 year gap as well. Like you, we love spending time with just our son. Right now, we want to give him all of our attention. I can’t imagine adding a newborn to our family right now, but in a couple years? Who knows how we will feel!!
I wanted my kids close together because I didn’t want to start all over again, but I didn’t think the first two would be as close as they are (less than 11 months), then the third came 18mo after the second. I had 3 in diapers, 3 high chairs, 3 cribs but once bottles, diapers and potty training was done it was done and I didn’t have to do it again. I school they will be in consecutive grades, next year will be 2nd, 1st and K (it will suck once they’re in college) but they’re best friends. I was 4 years older than my sister and we weren’t very close growing up. My husband and his sisters are all close in age and were really close friends growing up.
My children are four years apart, almost to the day. We did intend to wait a while between kids, as I had my first at 26, which is considered young in our Boston-area neighborhood. But had I not miscarried before I got pregnant with my son, my children would have been closer in age. I’ve gotten similar comments over the years – why did you wait so long?!? – and the question definitely stings. I wish more people realized that fertility is not something we can control, no matter how hard we may try!
My brother and I are 4 years and I think it was great growing up. On the other hand, I had all my kids back to back…which is also great. I don’t think there is a right gap. I think it is as you said…you being physically and emotionally ready.
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I LOVE having kids a little spaced apart! Mine are 3.5 years apart and I wouldn’t have it any other way. We got quality time with our first and now that he is in preschool we have quality mornings with our youngest. It seriously is the BEST of both worlds. We always planned it this way. I couldn’t imagine having them super close in age! Not by choice at least!
We had no plan, but seems like G and her sister will be about 2.5 years apart. I am an only child and my hubby is the middle of three boys. So, his oldest bro and youngest bro are 6 years apart. Is that really any different? I don’t think so.
My kids are ~2.5 years apart. I wanted to have them close together so I wasn’t starting all over again when baby number 2 came. I feel like it was the right choice for our family, but my best friend, whose son was born a week after min, just had her daughter a month ago. She loves the fact that he can help and that he is independent.
My sis and I are 4.5 years apart and while we are good friends now, we didn’t always get along. My son and daughter are 3 years 3 months apart and it’s pretty much the same thing. Some love, some hate, some in between.
This is a great post Jessica! My kids are 22 months apart and at the time, I felt like that was a huge difference! Now that they are both toddlers, I see that it is insanely close and there would have been some big pluses to spacing them further apart!
My sister and I are 7 years apart, my brothers are then 8 years younger than me. We are not BFFs as in call you every day, but we love each other and have a parental bond. We always take care of each other and when we see each other (we all live in different states), it is magic to catch up.
I love the idea of spacing children- and having a big brother who is more experienced in the world, Mimi is a lucky lady
I had my oldest before i got married so my girls are almost 9 yrs apart (9 and 6 months) my oldest is really helpful with the baby. If we have another baby it wont be until my youngest is at least 4, just bc i think each child deserves to be able to really be the baby. By then they feel like a big kid so they are not as jealous that the baby is getting attention. They understand that the baby needs you bc he/she cant do for themselves
I’m glad this strategy worked for some of you, but as the oldest of 3 waiting too long can also blow up in your face. I’m 7 years older than my next sibling and he and I hated each other until he was in his 20s. The youngest is 15.5 years younger than me and he is more my son than brother. It’s awful going to the grocery store and people giving you looks because they assumed he was my son. So none of us have had a typical sibling relationship. Middle brother couldn’t stand baby brother until he hit high school. It’s nice to be able to kids some individual time, but sometimes if you give them too much it could be harmful for their relationships as well.
Now I understand somepeople have reasons for doing this. I’m not saying your all horrible parents forwaiting please don’t misunderstand. I’m just giving you this scenario from the other perspective. Wehad our first and are tentatively planning the second one for next year do dd should be about 2. I feel this is slightly insane too, but I want to beable l
Sorry typing on my phone. What I was saying is I want to have all my life by the time I hit 35-36. My husband and I waited 7 years before we decided to have kids and that’s what worked for us.
My advice do what works for you. Take advice and really consider if it fits what you want your final outcome to.be.
Thanks for the great article…very timely for me. I am expecting baby #2 next week and he/she will be almost 4 years apart from my son. I have loved my time alone with son for so long and hope he develops a close relationship with his new sibling. The fact that I will have time alone with the second while my son is in preschool makes me feel better about being able to give #2 some attention.
My husband has 2 siblings, one 8 years younger than him and the other is 17 years younger. Even with the wide age gap, they are extremely close and get along insanely well. On the other hand, I know others that have three kids closely spaced (about 18 months), and they don’t get along well at all. I think personality of each child can make a difference as well, no matter the age gap. Like others have said, do what works best for your family since there is no magical number on what works.
My daughters are the same age difference and it works out great. Love it
growing up I had 2 older brothers and I am closest to the brother that him and I are 5 years apart. My sister is 9 years younger and we are close.as well. I like the blog