I Never Felt Like ‘Mommy’ Until My Baby Was Finally Born
Photo: Veer / The BumpYou’d think that in my mid-twenties I’d have already found my place in this world, whether through a career, a personal interest or just feeling like a complete and whole human being. But if I had any thought in my mind that I was complete before having my first child, I was completely wrong.
Before the birth of my son, I was wife, sister, daughter, sales assistant and roller derby player. That’s not a huge amount of titles to have, but it was enough for me. I thought I was complete. Sure, I wanted to be more than a sales assistant, I wanted to be a better roller derby player and I wanted to continue to be a better wife, but I never knew how much I had wanted to be a mother. I’m in no way bragging when I say that we got pregnant pretty soon after beginning to really try, but without even having planning it, I had a two new titles: pregnant woman and mom-to-be.
I was that pregnant woman you love to hate (I admit it!) — you know the ones, no morning sickness, no heartburn, sleeps well (at least at the start). During my pregnancy I felt guilty when friends who were also expecting were spending days in bed sick to their stomachs, losing their appetites, sleeping terribly and getting heartburn at the smell of a cheeseburger! I started avoiding answering inquiring minds that wanted to know how my pregnancy was going with quick two-word answers “It’s okay!”, “Everything’s fine!”, “Going well!”. Even though, I had questions of my own: When would I start showing? When would I feel baby kick? But the biggest question of all, I wondered when would I start feeling like a mother.
Don’t get me wrong, I loved this little person growing inside of me, I was excited by this prospect of new life! But I didn’t feel like a mother yet, I was still just “pregnant woman”. In those first few months, I just felt fat. Fat, tired and anxious. Why didn’t I feel like a mom yet!? I wanted to pull out my hair in frustration when people referred to me as “mommy” and scream at the top of my lungs “Why can you see it, but I can’t!?”
It really wasn’t until baby started moving around on a daily basis and hiccuped every morning and night (poor guy!) that I really started feeling a connection to him. I panicked the times when he wouldn’t move for a day. I was awake with him when he was up all night hiccuping, and he was finally feeling “real”. Yet, I still felt somewhat disconnected, I was his person, his vessel, but I still hadn’t obtained the label I desired.
It took four hours. Four hours of labor to feel a transformation in myself. It wasn’t a magical switch that I turned on, it was something innate and primal. Giving birth felt so natural, so right. I felt empowered, like a warrior! And as soon as I heard that first cry, felt his skin against mine and looked into those big eyes… well I fell in love. Deeply and madly in love. He was searching out for his momma and there I was!
You might think that it was a little late it the game, but it was when he was placed in my arms for that very first time that I felt like a mother. The birth of my son felt like the final right of passage into this new role. Nothing had prepared me for this — not the books I had read, the advice I was given, or the nine months I spent absorbing everything like a sponge.
I can say now that I am complete. At least until the pregnancy bug catches me again!
When did you finally feel like a mommy?
Plus, more from The Bump:
Biggest New Mom Surprises (and How to Deal)
7 Surprising (and Sweet!) Things About Being a New Mom
The Knot Blog
The Nest Blog
Thank you for this article! I am 22 weeks pregnant and struggling to feel fully connected to my baby to be. I think because of prior mc I have been too afraid to get attached, but I also feel like I’m missing out on something. As te baby has been moving more i am starting to feel the conmection a little, but it doesnt feel whole if that makes sense. It’s good to know I’m not alone! Thanks!
I think I’m in the same boat, I love the little guy, I get so excited when I feel him move, but I just feel like the prego woman, not a mommy. I hope when he is in my arms I feel that moment when your whole world changes
Ohmygoodness, thank you so much for this article!! I am 35 weeks pregnant and it eats away at me everyday that I don’t yet feel like a mommy! I know I am. I feel her move, love talking to her and calling her mommy’s little angel. We are most definitely connected, but there is something there that is just missing. I’ve never been able to explain it and people look at me like I’m strange when I say, “Yes I’m a mommy, but I don’t really feel like it.” I’m always saying I can’t wait to hold my little girl, I need my little girl, I can’t wait to spend time face-to-face with my little girl! Finally there is someone out there like me!!
Thank you! Like the other posts, I am late in my pregnancy and I am waiting for that Mommy feeling to kick in. I have been feeling guilty and ashamed that even after preparing the nursery, the shower, all the ultrasounds that I still just feel like a pregnant woman. I thought this meant I was going to be a terrible mother, but now I know I’m not alone. And it doesn’t last.
I’m glad this has been an article which has helped you all. I encourage you to reach out to other mothers in your birth months/circles and discuss this. You aren’t alone!