Why Moms Shouldn’t Send ‘Goodie Bags’ to Daycare
Photo: Deqain / The BumpI dread the holidays at daycare – Valentine’s Day, in particular. Why? Because I know I will find my daughter’s cubby overflowing, not just with little Hello Kitty paper Valentine’s Day cards (like the kind we bought), but with intricate, handcrafted gift bags full of stickers and bubbles and a heart-shaped straw and non-peanut treats that some child’s mom painstakingly made and assembled for the entire class.
I’m not sure when the holidays became a sport to see which mom can outdo the other, but that’s what it feels like — and I have several years worth of daycare experience to rely on. It doesn’t matter if it’s Valentine’s Day, Halloween, Easter, Christmas or St. Patrick’s Day. There’s always one mom who goes overboard, and every time, I feel an overwhelming sense of guilt, stress, annoyance and – yes – a bit of anger, both at her and myself. Why didn’t I think to buy special treats and goodies for all her friends? Are people going to think I’m cheap and lazy? Why did that mom have to show all of us up?
And then I think — aren’t these TODDLERS?
I know some women are just naturally crafty and find joy in raiding the local Hobby Lobby for felt hearts and sparkly glue. As an admittedly non-crafty mom, I am in awe of that, because my brain doesn’t work that way. I walk into a craft store and break out in hives, and any creation I come up with looks like something my kindergartner could have made. So I certainly don’t want to begrudge them the joy of crafting.
But I think those moms are in the minority. So why do others go above and beyond?
My daughter is 20 months old; she’s too little to really acknowledge her new goodies (most of which – like nearly all junky birthday party favors – will end up in the trash). But when my son was in daycare and was around 3 or 4, he’d proudly show me his loot, saying, “Look what so-and-so’s Mommy made us! It’s so awesome!” or “Wow, so-and-so’s Mommy gave us little teddy bears!” Ouch.
When it comes to the holidays, our daycare’s only policy is “no food items that contain nuts.” However, I wish they would just put the kibosh on the whole thing and institute a “no goodie bag” rule. None of us parents need that added stress and guilt, or that extra item on our “to do” list. Having a consistent and defined rule creates a level playing field, manages expectations and ensures one child’s “gift” to her classmates doesn’t steal the spotlight or take away from classroom celebrations.
There’s being fun and festive, and then there’s totally overdoing it, regardless of the intention. These are toddlers and preschoolers: do they really need candy, erasers and other trinkets for every holiday? Isn’t a simple Valentine’s Day card good enough?
Where do you stand on the great “goodie bag” debate?
Plus, more from The Bump:
Cute Valentine’s Day Crafts for Toddlers
10 Irresistible Heart-Themed Items for Babies and Kids
Creative Valentine’s Day Ideas
The Knot Blog
The Nest Blog
wow. how dare you take your insecurities and suggest other moms shouldn’t do stuff. never once was i trying to get a one up on other moms. us ‘crafty moms’ are doing it for the kids. for their enjoyment and happiness. And i am always quick to thank anyone else who has done something extra for my child. maybe you should tell your child’s school not to allow your child to participate since you feel it is some kind of competition and unnecessary. Life is not a fair playing field. Deal with it or embrace it. Maybe take a moment and see what talent you have that could be offered to your child’s classmates. Since you are a writer, maybe you could help them all make little books for their mommies on mothers day. Instead of complaining in life , try participating.
Cat, I think “how dare you” is a little much for this post. This is her column, you know…
I totally agree that people have started going way overboard, not only with stuff like this, but with baby’s and kid’s birthday parties. Kids would be happy with a lot less, so you can’t say they do it for the kids. They’re trying to impress other adults for some reason, or can’t stand having money burning a hole in their pocket. Not to sound old, but when I was a kid we had nothing but little paper valentines and sugar message hearts, and we liked it!
I guess I figure that those who bring in such bags do so because they have fun doing it – with that said, i do feel a bit guilty if I dont do the same.
I am so with you! It tapers off, I think, as the kids get older. There are still occasionally some “overdoing it moms,” but overall, it has died down for us, and I’m a big believer in guilt-free parenting so I just did it my way and let my kids enjoy the goodies from so-and-so’s mom.
I remember LOVING getting and then going through over and over again my plain old, little paper Valentines and you know, my kids love that too. It’s fun in itself without the “extras.”
I struggle with this. I have been “that mom” but have also not had time on certain holidays and just skipped it all together. It’s a hard balance I think. Now that my kids are almost 3 and 5, they get it, they love getting goodie bags, and they enjoy having treats or little trinkets to play with for a few weeks. I don’t mind. But I don’t go all out – it’s called the dollar store — I grab little baggies, some erasers or stickers (b/c really, who doesn’t love stickers), store-bought valentines w/ a lollipop and bam, I’m done. Low budget, simple, and minimal work. But I also don’t do this for every holiday…. really just valentine’s day here. My kids gush over party favors so I figure let them have a little fun.
Why wouldn’t it be a nice thing to teach children to be generous, thoughtful, and creative with their classmates? It’s not a competition.
This is so true! My son is only in preschool 2x/week and I already see this happening!!
I could not agree MORE with this post. As a full – time working mom of 2 kids (one in daycare and one in Kindergarten) I am all for the small celebration – valentine cards, etc. But I do not feel the need to go that far overboard on goodie bags for a holiday that little ones don’t even understand. A little card is cute and maybe a little treat is enough. This crap gets thrown in the trash rather quickly at my house.
And don’t even get me started on the birthday parties — lol !
I am with you 100%. Damn you Pinterest. I was so happy that my son’s 1st grade teacher sent a notice home saying no treats of any kind allowed. $10 says he comes home with a gazillion heart-shaped erasers and pencils. A little note of friendship is all they really need.
Sending a little valentine is plenty. My saying with birthday favors, or holiday treats is “if I would throw it in the trash when they aren’t looking…then I am not giving it”. My house is filled with enough toys and garbage toys that “somehow” end up in the trash. If I don’t have to play “I don’t know what happened to it?”, even better. The cards can be treasured for a day or two and then they too can go in the trash. .
I tend to agree with the first comment. Has it not occurred to you that you are not the first person in the mind of the mom trying to do something nice for her kids? I wouldn’t dare make snide comments about the parents of a child who brought in Hello Kitty paper cards, and I would expect the same kindness in return for whatever I decided to send in. A trip to the Dollar Store and a little creativity is not akin to painting a masterpiece. Perhaps the way to stop feeling guilty is to stop judging other moms. We’re all just doing our best.
Totally agree! Why aren’t the little Valentine’s Day cards good enough? They were good enough for us, right? If a mom wants to go all out, that’s fine as long as she’s not sneering at me for my son only giving cards (he’s 13 now, so no more of that). But really — goodie bags from every child/parent is too much. And btw, this is a column/blog — it’s her opinion and she’s nicely asking for yours. No need to be nasty, especially when she’s out there with her real name on this column and you’re hiding behind some anonymous moniker (as I teach my son, if you wouldn’t say it to a person’s face in front of everyone you know, don’t put it on social media). Just saying. Curious what those of you who think she’s wrong give your own kids for Valentine’s Day? My kiddo gets a hug, a kiss, a card and a little marshmallow heart.
I follow the lead of my children. My daughter is 5 and a craft-a-holic. She spent hours weeks ago getting her Valentine’s (decorated cards with a button and lollipop) ready for her friends. My son (4) has no interest in putting in that much effort so we went with just a superhero card. In your case when your daughter isn’t even 2 it clearly is all up to the parent to do which is hard. How much is enough? How much is too much? Although the answer is for people not to judge that’s easier said than done. I think the important thing as parents is to make sure we teach our children to be thankful and grateful for all of the Valentine’s no matter how big or small. If you do that then you win!
[...] out my post on TheBump.com to hear why I think daycare centers should consider not allowing goodie bags for the holidays. [...]
I have been both moms. The “super crafty mom” and the “sorry didnt have time mom.” It really all depends on timing. Also, recently I ask my son what he would like. He has lots of input now and most times he asks for something simple. I think some sort of acknowledgement shows them to be nice to each other and not to leave others out. It depends on him.
I have my kids get cards and a candy treat for the kids in their class and I put it in a cellophane bag I got a the dollar store and tie it with curling ribbon. One of my kids has bad anxiety and can’t express herself so feels better when she does nice things for others and my son would give someone the shirt off his back if necessary. If it makes my kids feel like they’re being nice, then I’m fine with it.
I think I agree with the first comment. I am not crafty. My son isn’t even one yet or in daycare but I highly doubt I will be that “crafty mom”. However, that doesn’t mean you should bash the moms that do enjoy that stuff (or wish that it wasn’t allowed). I plan on being the mom that chaperones field trips and goes to Cub Scout events….. Every mom is different and we all have our strengths and weaknesses. But…. Thank God I had a boy! LOL. Really, though. This sounds a bit like jealousy to me. Focus on what YOU do great and you won’t even care about those crafty beavers!
Well – now I know why you said this is a hot-button topic between your mom friends! I think what you’re feeling is totally normal and I can understand it! Mom guilt is always there, lurking, ready to pounce. Besides mom guilt – you make very valid points about why there should be a no goodie bag rule. (It totally is true – the stuff ends up in the trash anyway). Some moms really want to spend all that time & energy doing crafty things. I’m not crafty at all but I do like to bake so I’m not sure which side I’ll be on when the time comes. I do know that if I have extra time to do something I might because Felicity very well could be my numero uno and I want to revel in everything mommy. I won’t know till the time comes though. Really appreciate this article. Thanks!
I see it both ways. However I don’t take offense when other moms make great stuff or want to participate. I also do not take it personal if they don’t. I save all of our goodie bag leftovers for times such as attempting a dinner out!
I understand your frustration, but I’m not competitive, so I usually appreciate any further step someone gives. It teaches me, inspires me or simply makes me grateful that my kid ended up with a “plus” from someone when I didn’t have time to think about. I would not feel guilty but would explain to him that some people are more like this while others are more like that and if he is bothered about not have taken anything, then next time he should plan something that i will certainly help him. I think being grateful is a better idea for me.
I agree that it’s often taken too far, but also depends on the circumstances. If the child is old enough to help make a craft/card and likes doing so, then by all means. It’s teaching them new skills, how to avoid consumerism, and they get to spend time with mom working on the project. I work at a daycare in Canada, and homemade treats are a definite no-no. The provincial health department does not allow any outside food being served in daycares as there is no way of knowing what went into it. We do allow the kids to give a small candy or chocolate as some of the valentines come with them. The most my son has ever got was pencils (that came packaged with the valentines) and small tubs of play-doh, both of which I’m fine with.
Lol! Guilty. I am the Hobby Lobby crafty mom. I’m not trying to show anyone up and I teach my son to be grateful for EVERYTHING he receives. It really is the thought that counts. I don’t do it for every holiday (I didn’t have time at Christmas for example). I love doing it so I plan way ahead and find great deals on supplies. Also my sons participate in some way in whatever we do (from infancy up). We have a blast making things for their classes. I don’t begrudge any mom who doesn’t enjoy doing those things or have the time.
[...] had lunch with the very sweet Jessica of Keeping Mommy Sane on Tuesday- such a great time! I loved her post yesterday on TheBump.com about goodie bags at daycare, check it [...]
I’m with you! I barely have time, money, or energy to do all that stuff for my own kids. Do it for other people’s kids? No way! Guess I’m a bit of a humbug. lol!
I couldn’t agree more with this column. All these manufactured “holidays” do is increase our stress levels. And will someone please explain to me why children that can’t even read yet need to exchange Valentine’s?
I would be annoyed at people stuffing bags full of junk that the kids couldn’t care less about, and ends up in the trash, but I think I’d be happy to a smile on my kid’s face for the few things that are actually kind of neat. You don’t get hurt when your kid gets birthday or Christmas gifts from other people – why should teddy bears and clever crafts from other moms upset you? I’m not trying to call anyone out, I think some parents just need to go A LOT easier on themselves and realize their kids aren’t going to love them any less just because so-and-so’s mom made something cool and stuck it in a goodie bag on Valentine’s Day. That mom might have made the whole class adorable finger puppets, but she doesn’t kiss boo-boos, read bedtime stories, or put food on the table.
I have been both moms as well. This year I have learned to embrace the extras that the other moms do. I am on modified bedrest with my third baby and I don’t even have energy to even cook dinner some nights. These other parents made Valentine’s day very special and exciting for my kiddos. Also you should think that there might be some kids in the class that the Valentine’s Day party is the only thing they might have to celebrate so why not give them some special memories. You don’t have to do it. Also that could be the way those parents speak their love language. Gift giving is not my love language, but it is definitely my daughter’s and it reminds me that there are lots of ways to express love.
Have you ever thought that maybe those darn, crafty moms just want the kids to have fun? Maybe you should focus a little more of your precious time on being thankful to someone who put a smile on your kids’ faces instead of wasting it on being insecure or jealous of their abilities. Remember that your kids will mock your attitudes and they’ll handle situations the same way you do.
The writer may of gone a little over board, but it doesent really bother me when they do these things at my daughters day care. Although I am like whats the point my daughter is one most of the candy they get she cant eat. I am a full time working mom and I seen a note on the door about a vday party and kids could exchange vday cards and what not but I did not get any I took some cupcakes for the party but whats the point in buying valentines for a bunch of 1 year olds that dont know the difference. When I dropped my daughter off a lady at the day care was like you didnt bring cards I said no and she said maybe I have enough extra just dont want Oakley to be left out. I just smiled and said thanks but I was thinking she is not going to know or feel left out if she would I would of done it. When she gets older I will take that extra step to help her make cute little valentines when she knows whats going on I loved it when I was in elementary school and my mom was very craft that I am not but my mother never did it all herself we did it and she assisted that was the best part we got to make them not mom.