Why I Stole From My Baby (and Why You Would, Too!)
Photo: Thinkstock / The Bump
I know what you’re thinking. Who steals from their own child? I do, that’s who. Now, before you get upset, you need to know that my daughter is just over a year and a half old and she can’t really make a legal claim to any property or possession since she relies on my wife and I to buy it. In addition, the items that I’ve stolen have not denied her in any way. In fact, she doesn’t even know they’re gone.
My career as a thief started small, as I’m sure most do. I simply needed to blow my nose and the only item I had in my car to do the job was a travel pack of Boogie Wipes. It’s not that my daughter told me I couldn’t use her Boogie Wipes or that there was a rule against it, but it had never occurred to me to use them in place of a normal, dry, soft tissue. In one blow, I was hooked. The grape-y goodness and the silky soft towelette was like a massage to my nose. “Wow,” I thought. “Boogie Wipes, where have you been all my life?!”
After that first use, I found myself looking for reasons to blow my nose just to re-live the experience. A random sneeze? Perfect. A slight itch? Bring it on. And when I actually got a cold it was almost worth it to have an excuse to bury my beak in the velvety smooth wipes on a regular basis. Soon, I was reaching deep into our Boogie Wipes stash, way up in the closet, until one day, as must happen to most addicts, I reached for a box… and there were none left. Only this time, I was reaching for a wipe for my daughter. In that instant, I knew I’d gone too far. From that moment on, I decided that I’d no longer masquerade as a man buying Boogie Wipes for his kid. I was going to buy double the wipes, proudly, so that we can both enjoy having clean, fruity-smelling noses, and I won’t have to swipe her wipes anymore.
As flu season rages, I have passed along the beauty of Boogie Wipes to many a co-worker and friend, each of whom has thanked me for opening their eyes to the possibility of a brighter nose-blowing tomorrow.
Do you “steal” from your baby? What have you taken?
Plus, more from The Bump:
Secret Thoughts of Newbie Dads
Top 5 Worst Parenting Advice Ever Given to New Dads
The Knot Blog
The Nest Blog
My dad always stole my Halloween candy and would say my brother took it. Im sure Ill do the same to my girl.
That was a cute article.. and I do not have a baby to steal items from as of yet but someday I will lol