Why I Stole From My Baby (and Why You Would, Too!)

Photo: Thinkstock / The Bump Photo: Thinkstock / The Bump

I know what you’re thinking. Who steals from their own child? I do, that’s who. Now, before you get upset, you need to know that my daughter is just over a year and a half old and she can’t really make a legal claim to any property or possession since she relies on my wife and I to buy it. In addition, the items that I’ve stolen have not denied her in any way. In fact, she doesn’t even know they’re gone.

My career as a thief started small, as I’m sure most do. I simply needed to blow my nose and the only item I had in my car to do the job was a travel pack of Boogie Wipes. It’s not that my daughter told me I couldn’t use her Boogie Wipes or that there was a rule against it, but it had never occurred to me to use them in place of a normal, dry, soft tissue. In one blow, I was hooked. The grape-y goodness and the silky soft towelette was like a massage to my nose. “Wow,” I thought. “Boogie Wipes, where have you been all my life?!”

After that first use, I found myself looking for reasons to blow my nose just to re-live the experience. A random sneeze? Perfect. A slight itch? Bring it on. And when I actually got a cold it was almost worth it to have an excuse to bury my beak in the velvety smooth wipes on a regular basis. Soon, I was reaching deep into our Boogie Wipes stash, way up in the closet, until one day, as must happen to most addicts, I reached for a box… and there were none left. Only this time, I was reaching for a wipe for my daughter. In that instant, I knew I’d gone too far. From that moment on, I decided that I’d no longer masquerade as a man buying Boogie Wipes for his kid. I was going to buy double the wipes, proudly, so that we can both enjoy having clean, fruity-smelling noses, and I won’t have to swipe her wipes anymore.

As flu season rages, I have passed along the beauty of Boogie Wipes to many a co-worker and friend, each of whom has thanked me for opening their eyes to the possibility of a brighter nose-blowing tomorrow.

Do you “steal” from your baby? What have you taken?

Plus, more from The Bump:

Secret Thoughts of Newbie Dads

“Holy Crap — I’m a Dad!”

Top 5 Worst Parenting Advice Ever Given to New Dads