10 Dream Pregnancy Laws Inspired by Pennsylvania’s Ban on Bump-Touching

Photo: The Guardian Photo: The Guardian

By now, you’ve no doubt heard that Pennsylvania has officially made it illegal to touch a pregnant woman’s belly without her permission. That’s right, the next time a stranger attempts to fondle your bump, just dial 911 and the Preggy Po-Po will arrive, sirens blaring and flashing lights blazing. (Here’s hoping the lights are pink for girl; blue for a boy.)

Where was this law when I was eight months pregnant on New Year’s Eve, 2012, and an obviously intoxicated “doctor” (his words) molested my pregnant belly in a tapas restaurant, warning me not to indulge in even a sip sangria of because it might hurt the baby?

Truth be told, the Pennsylvania statute is smart: Nobody should be allowed to touch another person’s body without consent, expecting or not. But it got me thinking: What other laws should be put in place to protect moms-to-be?

Here’s a dream-list every pregnant woman would love to see:

In Michigan: It is a crime for anyone in the state of Michigan to approach a pregnant woman and ask, jokingly or not, “You sure you’re not having twins?”

In Arizona: It is illegal in the state of New York for pharmaceutical companies to manufacture prenatal vitamins that are the size of the average adult thumb.

In California: Illegal for clothing companies to offer more than one horizontally striped maternity top per season.

In New York: No New York resident is permitted to order soft, oozy Brie, candy-esque raw sushi, or a mouthwatering sub sandwich piled high with juicy deli meat while in the presence of a hungry pregnant woman.

In Illinois: Illegal for any Chicago OB/GYN to enter a new mom’s recovery room and casually press down on her uterus 24 hours after a C-section to “make sure your uterus is contracting properly.” (I know it’s medically necessary but, dear Lord, that was the single most painful part of my entire recovery. And it happened for each of the four days I was in the hospital.)

In Idaho: It is a crime for previously innie belly buttons to protrude forward into outie belly buttons, at any point during pregnancy, without first obtaining the express written consent of the navel’s owner in advance.

In South Dakota: No S.D. resident shall make it known that they noticed the loud burst of gas that inadvertently just slipped from a pregnant woman’s body. Feign ignorance and move on.

In Maine: Pregnancy-related heartburn is illegal in Maine.

In Georgia: No pregnant ankle in the state of Georgia shall swell to twice it’s usual form, and all relaxin hormone shall reign itself in so as not to cause any feet to permanently grow a full size.

In Houston: It is illegal for any pregnant Houston resident to attempt to blindly groom their lady parts. Assistance from a trusted friend, partner or professional hair removal expert is required so as to avoid an accident.

How about you? What part of pregnancy do you wish was “illegal”?

Plus, more from The Bump:

How to Get People to Keep Their Hands Off Your Belly

15 Unbelievable Comments Made to Pregnant Women

“Stop Touching My Belly!”