10 Reasons I’m a Worse Mom Than You

Photo Courtesy of Karen Alpert
Photo Courtesy of Karen Alpert

This guest post was written by Karen Alpert, the ridiculously hairy, self-deprecating writer of the blog Baby Sideburns and author of the brand new and hilarious parenting book, I Heart My Little A-Holes. She’s spent the past fifteen years working for national advertising agencies until she was promoted to her newest favorite job: Mommy. She lives with her two amazing kiddos and a very forgiving husband.

1. When I can’t find the time to shower, I use baby wipes to “clean” my pits, under my boobs, and, uhhh, some other places.

2. Once I told the kiddos the car radio was broken for about a week because I just couldn’t handle listening to their annoying music anymore.

3. I’m secretly happy when someone else’s kid throws a tantrum in public because it makes me feel better about my own kids.

4. Sometimes I don’t make my son wash his hands after he goes potty because washing his hands is such a pain in the ass.

5. I purposely schedule Girls’ Night Outs at 7:00 so I can skip the whole bedtime routine.

6. Once I told Zoey that Caillou was on vacation so I didn’t have to listen to his whiny voice.

7. Sometimes I say let’s play hide and seek just so I can hide in my bed under the covers and take a short snooze.

8. I haven’t gotten rid of any of the baby stuff in the basement because I’m scared it will jinx me and I’ll get pregnant if I do. At least that’s what I say. Really I’m just lazy.

9. I’m secretly happy airplanes only have three seats together so when I make our reservations I can put myself all alone.

10. I wrote a book called I Heart My Little A-Holes and never stopped to think, awww shit, one day my kids are going to learn how to read.

What’s your most hilarious “awful” mommy moment?

Plus, more from The Bump:

“Holy Crap! I’m a Mom!”

Biggest Mommy Regrets

Craziest Things Tired Moms Did