As I’m nearing the end of my pregnancy (five more weeks to go), all these hilarious/mysterious/disgusting symptoms are popping up that no one ever warned me about! Well, maybe they warned me, but you don’t really pay attention until you actually get there.

If you’ve gone through this already, my sincerest congrats on getting through. If you’re getting close to this point, don’t say I didn’t warn you. No, you’re not a freak of nature if these happen to you:

Waddling. As you get bigger and bigger — and the baby drops — waddling really takes over. I’ve been called a penguin a few times by my coworkers, and my husband constantly makes fun of the way I walk. Sorry — I have a giant head working its way down between my legs! Go ahead and try it without walking like you’ve been riding a horse for four hours.

Lightning Crotch. I never paid much attention to this lovely term until my child decided to head-butt my cervix and I started screaming obscenities like I had a movie-version of Tourette’s. You have no warning, and when it happens, you may not have control over the words that come out of your mouth. It feels exactly as its name suggests — like a bolt of lightening is running up your lady parts.

Braxton Hicks. I don’t know who this Braxton person is, but I don’t like him. Fake contractions aren’t just uncomfortable. My skin gets so tight, I feel like it might burst. And every time I get them, my husband freaks out and wants to time them. So confusing!

Leaking. Apparently urine leakage comes with the territory of being pregnant. Pads are my new best friend. But did anyone mention the boobs? If you’re a first-time mom-to-be, it may freak you out. I consider myself a mature, professional and educated woman. But when my boobs leak, I can’t help but scream “Eww” and then giggle like a little girl.

I know I sound like a whiny complainer, but the truth is, I couldn’t be happier. When baby moves, or has the hiccups, there’s this immense feeling of love that makes you completely forget about your swollen feet and achy hips. And you think about the fact that in such a short amount of time you’re going to meet this perfect creation — and all those crazy and embarrassing symptoms seem 100 percent worth it.

What were your strangest third trimester symptoms?