You’d think that in my mid-twenties I’d have already found my place in this world, whether through a career, a personal interest or just feeling like a complete and whole human being. But if I had any thought in my mind that I was complete before having my first child, I was completely wrong.

Before the birth of my son, I was wife, sister, daughter, sales assistant and roller derby player. That’s not a huge amount of titles to have, but it was enough for me. I thought I was complete. Sure, I wanted to be more than a sales assistant, I wanted to be a better roller derby player and I wanted to continue to be a better wife, but I never knew how much I had wanted to be a mother. I’m in no way bragging when I say that we got pregnant pretty soon after beginning to really try, but without even having planning it, I had a two new titles: pregnant woman and mom-to-be.

I was that pregnant woman you love to hate (I admit it!) — you know the ones, no morning sickness, no heartburn, sleeps well (at least at the start). During my pregnancy I felt guilty when friends who were also expecting were spending days in bed sick to their stomachs, losing their appetites, sleeping terribly and getting heartburn at the smell of a cheeseburger! I started avoiding answering inquiring minds that wanted to know how my pregnancy was going with quick two-word answers “It’s okay!”, “Everything’s fine!”, “Going well!”. Even though, I had questions of my own: When would I start showing? When would I feel baby kick? But the biggest question of all, I wondered when would I start feeling like a mother.

Don’t get me wrong, I loved this little person growing inside of me, I was excited by this prospect of new life! But I didn’t feel like a mother yet, I was still just “pregnant woman”. In those first few months, I just felt fat. Fat, tired and anxious. Why didn’t I feel like a mom yet!? I wanted to pull out my hair in frustration when people referred to me as “mommy” and scream at the top of my lungs “Why can you see it, but I can’t!?”

It really wasn’t until baby started moving around on a daily basis and hiccuped every morning and night (poor guy!) that I really started feeling a connection to him. I panicked the times when he wouldn’t move for a day. I was awake with him when he was up all night hiccuping, and he was finally feeling “real”. Yet, I still felt somewhat disconnected, I was his person, his vessel, but I still hadn’t obtained the label I desired.

It took four hours. Four hours of labor to feel a transformation in myself. It wasn’t a magical switch that I turned on, it was something innate and primal. Giving birth felt so natural, so right. I felt empowered, like a warrior! And as soon as I heard that first cry, felt his skin against mine and looked into those big eyes… well I fell in love. Deeply and madly in love. He was searching out for his momma and there I was!

You might think that it was a little late it the game, but it was when he was placed in my arms for that very first time that I felt like a mother. The birth of my son felt like the final right of passage into this new role. Nothing had prepared me for this — not the books I had read, the advice I was given,  or the nine months I spent absorbing everything like a sponge.

I can say now that I am complete. At least until the pregnancy bug catches me again!

When did you finally feel like a mommy?

Plus, more from The Bump:

Biggest New Mom Surprises (and How to Deal)

New-Mom Confessions

7 Surprising (and Sweet!) Things About Being a New Mom

Okay, I knew I had to bathe my child, change poopy diapers and wipe snotty noses, but there were a few surprises along the way in these first few months. So, hold on to your lunches because these are all the places I’ve had to clean up since baby arrived:

1. Lint

It’s everywhere! Under their nails, between their fingers and toes, and even in their itty bitty belly buttons! And I don’t mean dry lint, I mean soggy, foul-smelling, peel from the skin gobs of it!

2. Earwax

I knew this was coming, but boy, was I surprised at the amount. Carrots, this aint no green house, this is the produce aisle!

3. Bogies/Boogers 

Shockingly large quantities of snot! Whether you suction it out or are experiencing the joys of having it wiped on your shoulder whilst baby wearing.

4. Bottoms

4. That little dip at the top of the butt, you know it, the cleftal horizon – You’ve wiped all over, you survey your work and it looks good… then you look at that tiny 1/2″ area, that little dip that hides the diaper cream, the poop and the fluff!

And last, but by no means least…

5. Neck Cheese

The no neck monsters accumulate something the finest cheese experts may turn their noses up to in those folds! Dried milk, sweat and more lint! You’ll clean it, but that smell will linger in your nostrils all day. And when you least expect it, nuzzling into the neck of your LO during a cuddle session, there it will be!

It’s not all bad though, it gives you another reason to enjoy the bonding of bath time, cleaning those little fingers and toes is a joy!

Plus, more from The Bump:

10 Totally Weird (But Totally Normal) Things About Your Newborn

New Mom Survival Guide

Baby Skincare 101