Did you all have a happy Mother’s Day? Mine was pretty good: pancakes and handmade cards and sticky hugs, followed by all the usual sibling squabbles, house-trashing and running out of milk and patience. Life with little ones isn’t exactly a day at the spa, you know? But I didn’t think much of it until I went on Facebook.

As I clicked through update after update about breakfast in bed, bouquets of roses, mimosas, picnics and doting families, I started to feel worse and worse. My husband’s homemade pancakes paled in comparison to brunch at a fancy restaurant. (Partly because we were out of maple syrup… again.) And why were her kids smiling and wearing matching outfits while mine wouldn’t even agree to be photographed together? And how did she get away with leaving the kids at home to spend a whole weekend with girlfriends when MY husband couldn’t even grasp the concept of letting me sleep in? (Hint for dads: You have to close the bedroom door when you get up and lock the kids out! Otherwise, they are dive-bombing us in our beds the minute your back is turned.)

This Facebook-induced angst is a real thing, something many moms I know suffer from. Here’s my two cents on how to handle it if social media is sending you into Negative Nelly territory. Remember:

What you see is not the whole story. Most people use social media to portray a carefully chosen image of their lives. You’re seeing the highlights, not the blooper reel. Maybe that adorable color-coordinated family photo was preceded by tantrums and threats. Maybe that mom made brunch reservations herself rather than rely on her husband to read her mind. (Hmmm… now there’s a thought.)

Sometimes people have an agenda. I wonder about those couples who post flowery love notes to each other in public forums. Are they really that happy and perfect, or are they trying to prove something? I can’t help but think of a couple I knew like that… who are now divorced.

“No one can make you feel inferior without your permission.” Good point, Eleanor Roosevelt. Did looking at other people’s supposedly fun, fabulous Mother’s Days have to make me feel worse about mine? Did I need to compare their lives to my own? Did I need to be on Facebook at all when I had a rare day at home with my whole family when I (supposedly) didn’t even have to do any housework? No, I did not. I could close my laptop, cuddle up with my imperfect, non-color-coordinated children, and enjoy the moment for what it was. And then give myself a break for getting irritated when the moment passed and they asked me what was for dinner. (Asked ME. On Mother’s Day!)

So that’s exactly what I did. We ordered in, by the way. And I left the dishes for my husband. Maybe I should thank him on Facebook.

Does social media ever make you feel bad about your life?

Plus, more from The Bump:

Plus, more from The Bump:

7 Secrets All Mamas Need to Survive the Mommy Bullies

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The Truth About Mommy Wars

After becoming a mom this past September, I was unpleasantly startled to find that there is a lot of drama out there in the world of moms. Whether it is between the boob or the bottle, bed-sharing or cry-it-out, the battles go on and on. It’s exhausting. Can we even coexist amidst all of the opinions, research supported decisions, and varying parenting choices?

At first my response was no, we cannot coexist. I must find like-minded women to surround myself with. I was in a panic to befriend women who thought and viewed parenting in the same ways that I did. I thought that this was going to be the best and possibly the only way to approach mommy friendships. Guess what? I was wrong.

While there is extreme value in having like-minded friends to support you, it is also essential that we learn how to relate and navigate with others who have different approaches and perspectives. Why do we have to learn to do this? In all honesty, we do not have a choice. Whether we like it or not (and we probably don’t), we are going to come in contact with parents who approach parenting differently. We cannot control what others may say to us but we can control how we chose to react.

React With Confidence

I didn’t notice how insecure I was as a mom until my son was given a helmet to treat plagiocephaly. Honestly, I felt a lot of guilt and shame that his head had a funny shape. I felt like it was my fault. I also feared that people would judge me, or worse, judge my beautiful baby because he looked different.

After working through those feelings I realized that I was choosing a perspective that fueled feelings of guilt and shame over one that fueled confidence. So you know what I decided? I decided that I am a friggin’ awesome mom. I am the best mom for my son. I have chosen to stand with pride when I do what is right for my family whether it is a medical decision or any other choice we intentionally make. And in that same vein: You are the best thing your kid has going for them. What you decide works for your family, maybe not your neighbors or that other mom at church, but when it comes to your family, you rock.

We need to remember that every family’s needs vary which causes them to choose different ways of caring for their children. When you put life into that perspective it makes relating to other moms a bit easier and once you decide you are an awesome mom, no one can take that away from you.

React With Grace

Once we come to terms with the fact that people parent differently because each family is different, life gets a lot simpler. However, there will always be something that rubs you the wrong way. I have decided to approach these situations with grace (or at least give it my best effort). If a mom says something that I am super offended by a couple of times in regards to a parenting choice I’ve made, I have decided to brush it off. If there is repeated incidences of this, I have decided to have a quick chat with her, let her know that it rubbed me the wrong way and that I hope we can approach the topic differently next time. Letting your confidence show by letting the small stuff go and standing up when things are really out of line can keep your friendships going strong without suffering through uncomfortable comments that can feed into the “Mommy Wars.”

Keep Your Mind Open

I grapple a lot with keeping my mind open as a parent especially after spending hours pouring over literature and research to make a decision. Then pops in another mom who has decided to do the exact opposite of what I have decided on! All of my instincts tell me to shout, “NO! You are making the wrong decision,” but honestly, she is probably thinking the same thing about me. Rather than looking at the situation as a right or wrong thing, we can learn from each other. This doesn’t mean that one of you has to change your decision, but you might get the chance to learn something about the other side of things that you never knew. You also might gain more respect for that mama, too. Odds are she didn’t make that decision thinking that it was going to negatively impact her child and neither did you.

The other side to open-mindedness is remembering that there isn’t always a “choice” in some matters. This one comes into play a lot with the breastfeeding vs. formula battle (or stay at home mom vs. working mom). People have their opinions on what is “right”, but sometimes it wasn’t a choice for that mom. Sometimes we are forced to make choices as a parent, and we definitely need grace and open minds when it comes to that.

How do you maintain your “mom” friendships despite the differences?

Plus, more from The Bump:

7 Secrets All Mamas Need to Survive the Mommy Bullies

Here’s to Having it All: Balance Your Mom Life and Career

The Truth About Mommy Wars

Do you ever feel like you are behind on topics other mommies know all about? Feel like the only frumpy mom at carpool? Do you feel like every time you get together with friends they are always telling you what you should be doing and what you shouldn’t? Is there such thing as a mommy bully?

Yep — it exists.

I had my daughter in my early twenties when most of my friends were spending all their hard earned money on clothes and going out to the latest club.  I was determined to give my baby every opportunity I could. I started involving my daughter in every activity I heard about hoping to find new friends that were like-minded. Instead, I found that no one was my age, or even remotely close to it. I was the young, pretty mommy that had a baby at “Gasp! How old were you? Oh, how brave!”

Once the other mommies got over the initial shock of how young I was, they couldn’t get over how I was raising my baby as a single mom. They would tell me what I should do more of, less of, how to do it, when to do it; and most importantly, why it was better than how I was doing it. I absorbed it all and left the mommy play-dates feeling low and confused about motherhood.

I thought motherhood was a higher level of sisterhood. A sisterhood that was full of support, not criticism. And as I have matured and experienced “life” as a woman and a mother, I have learned plenty about the “mommy bullies.” Here are some suggestions to keep in mind the next time you feel like you are under fire:

1. All of us mommies are trying to do the best that we can raising our babies to be amazing individuals.

2. There is always going to be a subject about parenting that we don’t know about. Stay humble and try not to feel so frazzled. Chances are when another mommy makes it seem like they know everything about mommyhood, they are really totally insecure about whether they’re doing a good enough job.

3. When you feel like you are getting ganged up on, walk away. Stay strong to what you believe in and trust that you know what is best for your family.

4. Do more research. I have learned the most by listening to what topics other mommies speak about and then going home and researching for myself. Come to find out what one mommy claims is the most amazing preschool, really might not be what you think is amazing!

5. You might have to go a little bit out of your way to stay in touch, but when you connect with another mommy don’t lose track of them. Be outgoing and schedule more playdates individually.

6.  If you ever feel like a fellow mommy is going beyond a boundary you never want crossed… Speak Up! Stand up for yourself regardless of  what they might look like, what kind of money they have, if they have more kids, if they are older than you.

7. Just like our kids, as time goes by we end up learning everything we need to know through experience. Trust your individual process and don’t focus on what may seem like your shortcomings. Someone else would view them as your strengths that they lack!

No mommy is the best mommy in the entire world. EVERY mommy is the best mommy that they could ever be to THEIR own kids.

Have you ever dealt with a mommy bully?

Plus, more from The Bump:

All About Mommy Wars

How to Win When It Comes to Mommy Wars

The 3 Different Types of Parenting Styles

Imagine this scenario.

You’re sitting at the park with your friend, watching your children play.  The topic of spanking children comes up in the conversation.  Your friend expresses her opinions on the topic, which vastly differ from yours – and then she asks for your thoughts.

How do you navigate this conversation?  Do you tell her how you really feel? Do you make minimal comments and then transition into another topic? Do you begin a debate with her about why you disagree with her opinions?

In any aspect of parenting in any given topic, there are going to be opinions at both extremes as well as in the middle ground.  Almost strangers, acquaintances, and good friends will all invariably have opinions at some point that are going to differ from yours.  Add in the social media to this cocktail of differences and you often see people expressing their beliefs with little to no reserve.

When you really think about it, though, if you put on your armor and step into battle over a certain topic or parenting choice, what does that do?  Would that actually change the other person’s opinions or habits and strategies of parenting?

Probably not.

In my short-lived time (almost two years) so far as a parent, I’ve come to recognize parenting style discussions as almost the new taboo topic- closely following religion and politics.  Unless you know a person very significantly aligns with your belief system of parenting – or is a close enough friend that you can come out of the conversation with continued mutual respect despite your differences- then you probably shouldn’t get into a discussion or debate about it with that person.

As mothers, we all recognize the same trials.  We all have children who at some points don’t want to sleep, don’t want to eat, throw tantrums in public places, disobey rules while testing their boundaries, and many other scenarios common to being a parent.  We all feel the same weight when deciding what path or strategy will work most effectively for our children and ourselves.  We all love our children, and- at the end of the day- we are all trying to do the best for them as we see fit.

Providing each other with mutual respect no matter the style of parenting our peers are using is setting up a baseline of understanding- not only between mothers, but for our children.  Because, for our children to learn to respect others with wide variants on what we consider to be “normal” for our family, we need to be examples of this respect.

Going back to our playground scene above, in my mind- there is only one response that is effective.  I am honest and candid about my beliefs with my friend.  At the same time, though, I verbalize to her that she has to parent her children in the way most effective for her family, and as her friend- I support her in their path.

How do you avoid getting sucked into the “Mommy Wars?”

Plus, more from The Bump:

The Truth About ‘Mommy Wars’

What It’s Really Like to Be a Stay-at-Home Mom

The 3 Types of Parenting Styles