One of the most important qualities I wanted to make sure my now teenager daughter and I had with each other while she was growing up were honesty and trust. I raised her with manners and morals — important values I think that all children should have. And now, raising a teen and a toddler, I’ve realized that these life lessons are important for my little one to learn, too. In fact, they’re a good life lessons for us all.

When times get tough and my tot and I are in the middle of a temper tantrum stare down, here are the most important things I always try to remind myself of:

1. Lead by example. If you want you toddler to be and act a certain way, make sure your actions are consistent with that, too. Get down to their level and look them in the eyes. When you do this you communicate better with them and let them see through action you respect them. If they turn their eyes away, direct them to look into your eyes so they understand what your expectations are. You will be surprised how much this works (I certainly was!).

2. Use an “inside voice” no matter what. It’s hard, but one thing I never let my toddler do is raise their tone with me. It is easy for the habit to start when the little ones are young and as parents we tend to let them get a pass because we think they don’t know any better. I disagree. They are perfectly aware around 2 years old that screaming at their parents is not okay. When your toddler gets crazy, try to turn the discipline into a fun game of “Follow the leader” or, “I do, you do.” This shadow game is amazing as your kids grow –  they won’t even realize their actions are being redirected!

3. Weekly check-ins: Use them! Start with mommy and me time when your kids are younger. As you child grows, turn it into a movie night, a mommy and me date night, or just making sure to ask how their day was at dinnertime. I love this time together! It allows us to better understand our children as they are grow into individuals.

4. Do more things together. Try to pick  one thing — no matter how big or small — that you two can do together. It helps children learn the boundaries of work and play (since we can’t devote every hour to our little ones!). Setting aside time together will help them realize, too, that they don’t have to act crazy to get your attention — they already know they’ll get it. All it takes is five minutes. I practice this with my toddler son by playing puzzles after we finish eating breakfast. We do puzzles and play together. It’s our time together and I know how much both of us value it. Also, try to give your little one a chance every now and then to call the shots — you’ll learn a lot about how their mind connects things and what they enjoy.

5. Be open and honest. Be sure to recall what you didn’t like about how your parents did things with you. Keep that in mind when you interact with your kids. It’s okay to make mistakes (hey, no mama is perfect!) but I always like to keep it in perspective. If I didn’t like one way my parents raised me, or if I saw a friend treat her child a certain way and I didn’t like it, I try not to emulate that.

6.Teach them that there’s a time (and place!) for a disagreement. In my house, we have a rule: discuss disagreements in private. The tug-o-war scenario will not be a pretty one if both of you are in a public place. The privacy of discussion will show that you respect your growing tot enough to not humiliate or embarrass them, even if they are wrong. Plus, it sets up a model for how your kids will handle arguments as they grow. With friends, significant others, you, your husband or even their siblings — they’ll want to keep their disagreements private and out of public eye!

7. Never let them see you sweat. Seriously, mama! Be clear. Be firm. And always take a breath before reacting. It is so difficult to be rational and clear headed about what you are trying to communicate when you don’t think about it first. I literally say to myself as I take a breath, “composure” because it helps remind me to keep my cool. Also — they’re kids! Of course they’re going to look for any opportunity to stump, rattle or break you down! It’s in their nature. If you say no, mean it.

Remember: It all starts with us.

How did you teach your kids morals and values? Was it hard? Share your tips!

Plus, more from The Bump:

Does “Time Out” Work for a Toddler?

How to Tame a Tantrum

How to Get Your Toddler to Do Stuff He Doesn’t Want to Do

We all know we shouldn’t compare ourselves to other moms. It’s not right to judge or stereotype. Yeah, yeah… yeah. We also know we all do it and it can sometimes even serve a useful purpose. Who among us hasn’t wanted to be a little more like that mom and a little less like that mom?

Here are five of the most common mom types I’ve encountered:

1. The By-the-Book Mom. This is generally but not always a first-time mom. She knows the recommended amount of sleep, food, dirty diapers and infant Tylenol a baby should have according to his age and weight. She knows exactly when the first teeth should appear and in what order. She can recognize cradle cap, RSV and Fifth Disease on sight. This mom is a font of useful knowledge, but should never be a substitute for your pediatrician. Also, she tends towards anxiety. Wonder why?

2. The Go-With-the-Flow Mom. This mom is the polar opposite of the By-the-Book Mom. She is very attuned to her baby’s needs, usually calm and unfazed by a little rash or unexplained crying fit. If the baby has a diaper blowout or spews spit-up all over her, oh well. That’s what babies do! This mom is good to have around as a reminder not to freak out over every little thing, but sometimes she’s a little TOO laid back. I mean, letting your baby eat sand and get licked on the mouth by a strange dog? Ew.

3. The Martyr Mom. This type of mom is very common. In fact, I’d say there’s a little Martyr Mom in all of us. She always puts herself last, whether it’s eating, sleeping, or even basic personal hygiene. Her baby is always adorably dressed and clean, whereas she is usually rumpled, rushed, and guzzling a lukewarm latte because she didn’t have time to eat. She will give you her last wipe or Goldfish cracker and insist that YOU pick the park for your weekly playdate. She is never available for mom’s night out, though, because she doesn’t feel right asking anyone else to watch the baby.

4. The Guilt-Free Mom. In sharp contrast to the Martyr Mom is this rare breed. I know a couple of them, or else I’d think she was an urban legend. Guilt-Free Mom may travel for work, go on weekend getaways with friends and to the gym regularly, and may even have time for HOBBIES! She doesn’t feel the least bit guilty because her very capable husband carries at least half of the child-raising and household load. She loves her kids, but doesn’t slavishly serve to their every waking need. When you ask how she does it, she laughs and shrugs. “I just do!” You would hate this mom if she wasn’t so nice.

5. The Perfect Mom. The one who always does everything right and always looks good doing it. She never complains, always smiles, dresses herself and her children stylishly but not obnoxiously so, has a clean house, well-behaved kids and an involved spouse. She had an easy birth and no problems breastfeeding. She even still looks good in a bikini. Surprise! This one’s a trick –- she DOESN’T EXIST. If you think you know a Perfect Mom, you just don’t know her well enough. Believe me.

Besides, most of us are combinations of these mom types, aren’t we? Of course, I’d like a little more Guilt-Free Mom in the mix. I’m working on it.

What type of mom are you?

Plus, more from The Bump:

8 (Annoying) Moms You’ll Meet Online

“Holy Crap! I’m a Mom!”

7 Annoying Moms You’ll Meet at the Park (Or Wherever Else You Go)

I know a lot of dads that feel nervous, anxious about holding, feeding and bonding with baby during those first few months together. I was one of those dads, too. I wanted to make sure I did everything right, but to be honest, it was terrifying. Spending that special time with one another, though, is so important and you’ll be so glad you did it. So before (and after!) baby makes his debut, here are a few ways you can get comfortable with your little guy:

1. Get talking! While the baby is still in the womb, start talking to him or her. Whenever you have the chance, talk to the baby because it is the sound of your voice, more so than what you are saying, that is important.

2. Fake it ’til you make it… literally. Before baby comes, practice holding an infant. Maybe it’s your niece or nephew or maybe you’re just holding a sack of blankets in your arms. Get comfortable with it! And when baby does finally arrive, hold him a lot. Any chance you have to hold the baby, take it. If mom is done breastfeeding, if the baby is waking up in the middle of the night, if you just came home from work, take your baby in your arms. It’s your time together.  The more time you spend wrapped up in each other, the more baby will learn your hold a and feel your confidence.

3. Ask to change baby’s diaper. Seriously, dads — ask! It may not be the most pleasant smelling experience, but it’s another opportunity to spend time with baby.

4. Pay attention and you’ll be surprised how quickly baby pays attention to you! Your child will watch you and learn from you from the day they are born to the end of their lives, so just imagine that you are the star of your own reality TV show, and everything you do is being broadcast in high definition to your new baby. Pretty cool, huh? Some of my favorite moments with my children came between the ages of 18 months and 3 years!

5. Laugh together. I cannot even begin to tell you how much fun this is. Finally, someone to laugh at every joke you make regardless of whether or not it’s actually funny! It’s one of the most magical parenting experiences to hear your baby laugh for the very first time.

The bottom line is: get engaged with your children and babies from day one. There’s plenty to do! Enjoy every phase, moment and experience. You’ll be so glad you did!

How did your partner bond with baby?

Plus, more from The Bump:

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First-time parenting can be a blur for many people: the lack of sleep, the confusion and the seriously fast transition between stages and phases of development can leave many first time parents feeling a little (fine! a lot) frazzled.

Being a second time mama (or dad!) can be so much more simple and enjoyable. Here’s why:

1. You know what the heck you’re doing.

Whether it’s knowing that your baby is just overtired,  overstimulated or just plain gassy, recognizing that they prefer to be rocked instead of sang to, or learning that your baby needs to be burped three times during a feeding instead of just once at the end — chances are your learning curve to your baby’s needs will be immensely faster. Because you’ve been through it before, your problem solving skills in most situations are better and quicker.

2. You realize that everything is a phase.

No matter how tough some phases of your child’s early development may be, as a second time parent, you recognize that it will pass. As a first time parent, it seems like some stages and phases of your small babe’s life can be never-ending. The late nights, the witching hour or even the non-stop spit-up are so much more tolerable when you know that there is a tangible end point coming down the pipeline.

3.  You’re too busy to stress out.

When you have your first child, it is common to anticipate every milestone, every change and every new development. Many new parents read countless books, get advice from numerous sources, and consult the pediatrician for every little hangnail. But when you have more than one child at home, time to stress about anything is few and far between. Some parents actually find themselves being surprised by milestones instead of anticipating them due to time moving so much more quickly because of simply being busier day to day.

What are some reasons why you feel second time parenting is easier?

Plus, more from The Bump:

Are You Ready for Another Baby?

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Moms Share: 13 Signs You’re Ready for Another Baby

Grandma and Grandpa. Nana and Pop. Ya-Ya and Goo-Ga. Whatever you call them, grandparents can be a wonderful addition to your child’s life. I was lucky enough to have two sets of them when I was growing up. One grandmother taught me how to do my nails and sew. It’s not her fault neither skill quite caught on with me. One grandfather tried to teach me to sail and fish. Again, never really got the hang of either. Worms? Gross.

Even so, I think grandparents are great. But there’s no denying there can be, um, a slight communication gap between the generations sometimes.

Here are the top five lies grandparents tell and what they really mean:

1.What grandparents say: We’d love to come visit you and the baby.

What they mean: Who cares about YOU? When are we going to get our hands on that BABY already?!

2. What grandparents say: Is there anything you need?

What they mean: We want to bring the baby a present, but organic cotton burp cloths are so boring. We’d rather give you impractical clothing and frilly handmade dolls that are in no way safe or age-appropriate for an infant.

3. What grandparents say: Is there anything we can do to help?

What they mean: We’d be happy to bring over sandwiches or take the baby for a walk around the block. But diapers and laundry? You’re on your own.

4. What grandparents say: So you put her to sleep on her back with no blanket or anything?

What they mean: I’m trying to be supportive and non-critical when you tell me your pediatrician advises you to follow the ABC’s of infant sleep — Alone, on her Back, and in a Crib — but to me that poor baby looks cold and uncomfortable.

5. What grandparents say: We raised kids, too, you know.

What they mean: You’re not the first person in the world to have a baby, and you’re WAY over-complicating things if you ask us. Not that you would. What do WE know?

My advice for handling the generation gap is compassion on both sides. It’s not the grandparents’ fault that when their kids were small, highchairs didn’t have 5-point harnesses, toys didn’t speak Spanish and babies ate steak at a few months old. Be patient with them. As for you grandparents, we new parents aren’t trying to be critical of your child-raising skills. A lot has changed, and we put a lot of pressure on ourselves to do everything right. We DO appreciate your time and interest in your grandchildren. After all, someone’s got to teach them how to sew and catch a fish.

Can you relate?

Plus, more from The Bump:

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“Back Off, Grandma!”

I’m due to pick up my boy at 4:40 on the dot from daycare. That means I must leave work by 4:30. The problem? It hasn’t always been happening. You see, to save on child care cost, and to minimize the time our son spends at daycare, my husband and I agreed to change our work schedules to opposite shifts. Monday and Tuesday, I work 8-5.  He works 12-9. Tuesday and Thursday, it’s opposite. Friday, my mother comes to watch the baby from an hour away. To keep the “part-time” rate at our daycare, parents cannot exceed 5 hours per day or 20 hours per week. This makes Monday and Tuesday stressful. Due to a 20 minute commute for my husband from the daycare back to his work, he must drop the baby off by 11:40 — and I must pick him up no later than 4:40.

The first time I’m late, it’s only by a few minutes.  My job can be hectic and I do my best, but lately it seems to be harder and harder to leave on time.  The next time I’m late, I don’t arrive until 5 p.m.  I drive dangerously fast to the daycare, cursing at every *&#$^!% who gets in my way and tears are starting to swell by the time I get there. This is not how I want to start our evening together, so I wipe away my tears and tell myself it will be better tomorrow.

Tomorrow becomes today, and I’m late — again. It’s nearly 5. I go through the same ruthless anxiety on my way to get him, and on the way home I realize — I may not be able to do this anymore. It’s more than being late. It’s getting home and being stuck there without my partner until 9 pm. The weather in Indiana is unpredictable and usually terrible during the spring, so I can’t go for a walk. Baby and I have played every version of Wheels on the Bus, Peek-a-Boo, and Gotch-ur-Nose I can think of.  We’ve read every book (of which we probably have a hundred) multiple times. We’ve been to the mall too many times to make it interesting anymore.

To make matters worse, split-shift parenting makes chores hard to get done. I used to pride myself on a squeaky clean home. When I got pregnant, I realized some of that may have to slip a little. But mountains (I mean, a freaking mountain after 2 days) of laundry? Who used that many dishes today? I won’t even comment on the number of hair bunnies that waft lazily through the house from our dog, who also requires attention.

Finally, I miss him. I miss my partner desperately. We have no family in town, so it’s hard to do a date night.  Thankfully, the daycare offers one once a month (bliss!), but I miss the day-to-day interaction with him. Seeing him with my son, laughing and playing together. Usually, by the time the late person gets home, baby is already in bed. It does give us some time to catch up, but we’re usually too exhausted to chat beyond a 20-minute window.

I shared my fears with my husband. Fear that we may drift apart if this continues. Fear that if we do change to full-time daycare, just for the sake of our being together, that our baby will suffer somehow. Although, he does get at least one of our undivided attention at all times minus those 20 hours a week in daycare. Still, I would rather it be both our attention together.  A family.

After much discussion, I feel slightly better. I discover he has been feeling the same way, and we agree to wait and see how we feel when the (awful, terrible, yucky, wait, why do we live her again?) Indiana weather gets nicer. The days will get longer and warmer, which means walks with the baby and the dog in the park, getting out, seeing new things without the hassle of bundling and wrapping our baby up like some slow-cooker pork roast. He’ll start to be more independent too. Soon he’ll be toddling around, able to entertain himself a bit better, which means perhaps a few more loads of laundry that get folded instead of repeated eight times through the dryer to be “ironed.” We also agree to sit down soon and do a new budget to see if, a big IF, we could afford to do full-time daycare at least one of those days out of the week and then work the same shift.

The problem is, just adding 15 minutes over your part-time limit is $40 per week. That’s over $2,000 more per year. It’s like saying we’ll give up a family vacation for full-time daycare. That’s huge, right?! But I know some have it worse. Some parents do split-shift overnight, so they only see each other for a few minutes when one gets into bed as the other goes out the door. I’m glad we’re not in that situation. When I really think about it, we’re pretty lucky. Baby gets time with friends at the daycare but plenty of one-on-one time with us. We still have our weekends (unless one of us works).

My point is: It’s hard. When you are in love with your spouse, and in love with your child, and at the same time watching a budget carefully, finding a balance is difficult. Open communication with your partner is essential. I feel good about being on the same page with my husband and feel good about our plan. I can’t wait for sunnier days ahead!

How has split-shift parenting worked for you?

Plus, more from The Bump:

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After becoming a mom this past September, I was unpleasantly startled to find that there is a lot of drama out there in the world of moms. Whether it is between the boob or the bottle, bed-sharing or cry-it-out, the battles go on and on. It’s exhausting. Can we even coexist amidst all of the opinions, research supported decisions, and varying parenting choices?

At first my response was no, we cannot coexist. I must find like-minded women to surround myself with. I was in a panic to befriend women who thought and viewed parenting in the same ways that I did. I thought that this was going to be the best and possibly the only way to approach mommy friendships. Guess what? I was wrong.

While there is extreme value in having like-minded friends to support you, it is also essential that we learn how to relate and navigate with others who have different approaches and perspectives. Why do we have to learn to do this? In all honesty, we do not have a choice. Whether we like it or not (and we probably don’t), we are going to come in contact with parents who approach parenting differently. We cannot control what others may say to us but we can control how we chose to react.

React With Confidence

I didn’t notice how insecure I was as a mom until my son was given a helmet to treat plagiocephaly. Honestly, I felt a lot of guilt and shame that his head had a funny shape. I felt like it was my fault. I also feared that people would judge me, or worse, judge my beautiful baby because he looked different.

After working through those feelings I realized that I was choosing a perspective that fueled feelings of guilt and shame over one that fueled confidence. So you know what I decided? I decided that I am a friggin’ awesome mom. I am the best mom for my son. I have chosen to stand with pride when I do what is right for my family whether it is a medical decision or any other choice we intentionally make. And in that same vein: You are the best thing your kid has going for them. What you decide works for your family, maybe not your neighbors or that other mom at church, but when it comes to your family, you rock.

We need to remember that every family’s needs vary which causes them to choose different ways of caring for their children. When you put life into that perspective it makes relating to other moms a bit easier and once you decide you are an awesome mom, no one can take that away from you.

React With Grace

Once we come to terms with the fact that people parent differently because each family is different, life gets a lot simpler. However, there will always be something that rubs you the wrong way. I have decided to approach these situations with grace (or at least give it my best effort). If a mom says something that I am super offended by a couple of times in regards to a parenting choice I’ve made, I have decided to brush it off. If there is repeated incidences of this, I have decided to have a quick chat with her, let her know that it rubbed me the wrong way and that I hope we can approach the topic differently next time. Letting your confidence show by letting the small stuff go and standing up when things are really out of line can keep your friendships going strong without suffering through uncomfortable comments that can feed into the “Mommy Wars.”

Keep Your Mind Open

I grapple a lot with keeping my mind open as a parent especially after spending hours pouring over literature and research to make a decision. Then pops in another mom who has decided to do the exact opposite of what I have decided on! All of my instincts tell me to shout, “NO! You are making the wrong decision,” but honestly, she is probably thinking the same thing about me. Rather than looking at the situation as a right or wrong thing, we can learn from each other. This doesn’t mean that one of you has to change your decision, but you might get the chance to learn something about the other side of things that you never knew. You also might gain more respect for that mama, too. Odds are she didn’t make that decision thinking that it was going to negatively impact her child and neither did you.

The other side to open-mindedness is remembering that there isn’t always a “choice” in some matters. This one comes into play a lot with the breastfeeding vs. formula battle (or stay at home mom vs. working mom). People have their opinions on what is “right”, but sometimes it wasn’t a choice for that mom. Sometimes we are forced to make choices as a parent, and we definitely need grace and open minds when it comes to that.

How do you maintain your “mom” friendships despite the differences?

Plus, more from The Bump:

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The Truth About Mommy Wars

One of the hardest challenges I face every day is the addictive desire to check my phone while I am with my kids. It seems I’m not alone, though. I see parents at the park, in the grocery store and at the library reaching for their phones.

I am talking about texting, emailing, and even making phone calls. I am horribly guilty of this; I see other people look at their phone, and I instinctively get a craving to check my own. It’s seems we’re all addicted: when the kids watch TV, parents watch their phones; when the kids play at the park, parents play on their phones.

The question we all have to ask ourselves is: how will this new technology and cell-phone reliance affect our children now and in the future? How will our actions today reflect on our kids in the future? Would you want your kids checking their phone, texting, updating social media, etc. while you are talking to them? Will we all be sitting at our dining room tables’ texting instead of talking in the years to come?

I believe we all likely need to nip this habit in the bud and start focusing in on what’s really important — our kids. Instead of playing on our phones while our kids play at the park we should be fully engaged and playing together: in the dirt, on the play sets – learning together and bonding together.

But I’ll be the first to admit this is difficult to do. I sometimes have to force myself to put my phone down and leave it on my dresser when I know it is time for me to give my kids my undivided attention. I know that if I want my kids to be engaged with me when they are older teens, and young adults, I must be engaged with them now.

Bottom line: the phone is not always your friend, and you don’t always need to respond to texts and emails as quickly as they come in; people can wait.

Do you think it’s hard to “unplug”?

Plus, more from The Bump:

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The Great Gadget Debate: Is Your iPad Hurting Your Toddler’s Development?

When I was a kid, I had an aunt who lived in New York City. Whenever we’d visit her, I could never sleep. All night long from her 14^th floor apartment, you’d hear sirens blaring, taxis honking, cars backfiring (or were those gunshots?). I couldn’t imagine how anyone could get used to all that noise. When my aunt came to visit us in the suburbs, on the other hand, she complained it was too quiet.

The point is, you get used to your surroundings. I am reminded of this every time I’m around people who don’t have small children at home.

When my parents come to visit, for example, I have all these visions of going to the gym, shopping, going out to dinner with my husband — basically taking full advantage of the free babysitting. But then after the first day or two I begin to realize that most people aren’t used to our “lifestyle,” as it were.

I’ve become so used to the craziness around here that it’s not until someone else points it out that I even notice. I’m so used to going 100 mph from the minute my eyes open (whenever the first kid wakes up), eating standing up, and doing five things at once that I forget other people aren’t accustomed to that pace.

There was a moment during her last visit when my mom, out of breath and not having finished her first cup of coffee yet at 10 a.m., said to me, “Do you think I could go use the bathroom now?” I almost said, “Well, you can TRY, but I can’t guarantee you’ll have it to yourself.” But I thought better of it and assured her I would keep an eye on the kids. I guess some people aren’t used to going with the door open so they can make sure no one’s riding the dog like a horse while they’re in there.

My parents always have the same reaction when they leave after spending a few days with us: relief, mixed with disbelief, sprinkled with equal parts sadness about leaving their grandkids, admiration and pity for me. “Good luck!” they say, clutching my hands. “I wish you strength. You’re doing a great job. Hang in there,” they reassure me as the taxi pulls away.

Then I imagine they heave a huge sigh of relief, close their eyes, and thank God they’re just visiting. Until a few months later when they decide their life is a little TOO quiet…

What have you gotten used to that you never thought you would?

Plus, more from The Bump:

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10 Things Your Child-Free Friends Do That Drive You Crazy

When you become a parent, it’s normal to expect it to be tough. You never really know just how tough until you have your child, but when they arrive, many new parents realize it is probably going to be both the hardest and best thing they’ve ever done. But when your children are young, tough can be somewhat of an understatement.

I haven’t been through any stage of parenting past the age of two, but I’m going to go out on a limb and say that — for myself — I think parenting infants and toddlers is going to be the most difficult stage.

Sure, there are going to be some very difficult stages of my children’s development in the future, but it’s going to be a different kind of difficult. Think about it, my babies will be able to feed themselves, get dressed by themselves and even bathe themselves. They’ll be able to walk into a store next to you instead of needing to be snapped out of a car seat and carried or pushed in. They’ll be able to express to you what hurts, what they need, or why they’re angry — even if those words in anger are not very nice, at least you’ll understand. They’ll (hopefully!) sleep through the night. And — if they don’t — you don’t have to stay up all night walking circles around your living room rocking and shushing them to sleep, all while you barely cling to your sanity and use every ounce of energy you have not to topple over into a big sleepy pile of person on the floor.

Physically, there probably won’t be any harder time to be a parent than when your children are young. And the physicality of the initial years takes a toll on what you’re capable of mentally, too. Exhausted, sore, and drained parents have a tougher time being patient, loving, and relaxed. That physical toll on your body can make everything else seem even more difficult.

Parenting infants and toddlers can be hard — very, very hard. Right now I can’t see any other stage of parenting that would be more difficult in the long run. Just in case, though, I may save this post for a good laugh when my kids hit the teenage years!

What was the toughest stage of parenting for you? Do you think the hard parts lie ahead?

Plus, more from The Bump:

Best (and Worst) Things About Having a Newborn

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How to Handle a Fussy Baby — Tips for Moms!