I’m in kind of a weird place right now and I think it’s a place all moms find themselves at some point. A huge majority of the women that I know and are friends with are stay-at-home moms (especially those with young children). But since I work outside of the home, I’m surrounded by many working moms and these women are more work-friends than anything. At times, it feels like two different worlds.

So, outside of the office, when I meet another working mom, I start to feel an immediate kinship with her. There’s a momentary thought that pops into my head that says “Here’s another mom just like me!”

But all moms are not created equal. After all, you can’t classify women into two groups: those who work and those who stay-at-home. That’s way too simplistic. Because, to be honest, many moms want to work. And many stay-at-home moms like being stay-at-home moms. Some working moms would rather be stay-at-home moms, and some stay-at-home moms would rather be working moms. There aren’t just two types of moms anymore.

Some moms work outside the home because of desire to work, some work strictly because of financial considerations like salary or medical insurance, and some work because of obligations to a family run business. Some moms are stay-at-home moms because of choice; they simply want to. Some stay-at-home due to family situations (maybe an ill child or a military lifestyle). Some moms stay at home to avoid the cost of daycare.

The danger in pre-judging a woman on her occupational status is two-fold. First, you could write off a friend simply because they have a different working situation than you. What a shame that would be! Stay-at-home moms and working moms can be great friends! Working Wanda and Stay-At-Home Sally can forge a wonderful friendship even if both are content in their situations.  And even if Wanda would rather stay-at-home and Sally would rather work.

Secondly, the needs of a family change and you might not always be in the situation you’re in. A woman who works today might not work outside the home tomorrow. Likewise a stay-at-home mom might enter the work force in the future. Having friends who have been there, done that before can be a great asset as your life changes.

I’ll admit though, there is a part of me that has a little spark of hope when I meet another working mom. (Maybe that has more to do with the fact that I personally don’t know too many.) I just have to keep in mind that it might be that the only thing that I have in common with her is our working status. In the whole grand scheme of things, that probably isn’t enough to build a friendship on. Likewise, when I meet a stay-at-home mom, we might be a great friendship fit. I try to keep an open mind! I like having friends from different backgrounds; career is just one of them.

What’s the easiest way for you to find friends?

Plus, more from The Bump:

How I Knew I Wanted to Quit My Job and Become a Stay-at-Home Mom

What It’s Really Like to Be a Stay-at-Home Mom

How to Win When It Comes to ‘Mommy Wars’

I recently read about a poll that suggested stay-at-home moms are more likely to be depressed than their working mom counterparts. This was doubly true in SAHMs in lower-income households. This does not surprise me at all. What’s more, I think this situation applies to more women than just those who label themselves SAHMs. After all, aren’t most new moms at home in the beginning, at least as long as our maternity leave lasts?

When I was a new mom, a feeling I remember well was dread at the start of each day. I adored my baby, and I don’t think I suffered from anything more than a normal case of the baby blues. But each morning I would drag my sleep-deprived self out of bed at the last possible minute before my husband left for work and think, “Now what? How am I supposed to fill the day?”

Being at home with a needy, nonverbal person was a huge change from getting dressed and going to an office every day with other grownups. After the novelty of being a new mom wore off, I was lonely at home. And bored. Every day was exactly like the one before, give or take a diaper or two.

At first, I tried to force myself to go out — to mother’s groups, baby yoga, the mall. But this was exhausting, not to mention expensive. I once saw another study about how new moms often rack up credit card debt. No shocker there: shopping is one of the few things you can do while pushing a stroller and not being too far from a bathroom or coffee shop. And it’s easy to shop online during 3 a.m. feedings!

Eventually, I settled into a better routine. I started going to the gym regularly. It was great to be able to drop off the baby at the gym daycare for an hour and take a yoga class and take a shower by myself. Or to just sit on the mats and read magazines. I also joined Stroller Strides, a mom-and-baby exercise class that had social benefits as well as physical. The moms would often hang around after class and chat. Plus, classes were held outdoors in nice weather. Getting out of the house helped a lot, and I realized it didn’t always have to be to the mall or Starbucks or somewhere that cost money. A nearby playground or library is just fine, too.

My advice for new moms who are unhappy at home is to think about what would make you feel better. If you’re craving company, can you invite another SAHM in the neighborhood over for lunch or coffee? If you’re desperate for some solitude, can you swap childcare for a hour or two with a friend or relative? If you just want to get out of the house, is there a kids’ storytime or sing-along at a local library?

I found that having a few things to look forward to each week made a big difference in my happiness. And in my credit card bill.

Did you deal with baby blues? What did you do to help yourself stay happy as a new mom?

For most couples, one of the first conversations they have when they start talking about babies is about money. Financially speaking, they wonder, what will life after baby look like? Can we afford it? What will it really cost?

My husband and I got married a little later in life than your average just-graduated-from-college-now-time-to-get-married couple. By the time we met, married and got the positive pregnancy test, we were in a great financial position. We’d both been in the workforce for at least a decade and in professional careers. The financial aspects of having a baby didn’t scare us like it would for other couples.

But the question still came up as to whether I’d continue to work once the baby was born. Growing up, I’d always thought I would be a stay-at-home someday. I have huge admiration for stay-at-home moms; they do great work by spending the majority of their hours shaping their children. Most of the stay-at-home moms that I know are super impressive women. I have a great respect for that!

We’d prepared financially for me to stay-at-home, but I decided to keep working after our son was born. Why? There are probably many reasons, but it boiled down to a few big ones:

1. I enjoy my job. If I didn’t, it would’ve been a no-brainer to stay at home.
2. We’re committed to a debt-free life.  Including mortgages. And I want a bigger house someday in a different school district. My income allows us to save up for that.
3. It’ll never be easier than now to work. Right now, I just have one child and he’s still really little. He likes it when other people hold him. He doesn’t mind being packed up in the morning to go to the babysitter’s. In a few years, that might not be the case.
4. It seems that most moms do earn an income of some kind. Not all stay-at-home moms do this, but quite a lot of them do. Maybe it’s working at home or teaching piano lessons or running a blog or selling make-up or doing bookkeeping for a small business, but many a mother does contribute to the household financially. I could do some of those things, sure, but they wouldn’t pay what my current job pays.
5. Most of all, my company let me step down to part-time hours. It’s a rare company that will let you do this and I know it would be difficult to find a company that would hire someone for just part-time.

At this stage in my life, working part-time is perfect for me! I’m able to spend more time with my son than I would otherwise. My son gets to take most of his naps in his own crib. When he gets older, I’ll be there to do most of the discipline and teaching. When he’s in school, I’ll be able to greet him at home with a juice box. I don’t feel rushed or stressed with home responsibilities. The house isn’t always spotless, but I’m comfortable with it. It isn’t a hardship to plan meals or do the grocery shopping. Our evenings and weekends aren’t spent catching up on chores and errands. And yet, I’m still able to contribute to my family’s financial well-being.

Will I always be a working mom? I don’t know! Right now, the trade-off is worth it. Working 24 hours a week for the pay that I receive is worth it. I honestly love my job, I have fantastic co-workers and a hugely flexible company, but being the best mother that I can be is of the utmost importance. I only get one chance to do this mothering thing. I don’t want to look back on my life and think “I wish I would have done something different.”

I know not all women have the same choice that I do. For their families, working full-time is a necessity. For other women, their careers are very gratifying to them and they can’t imagine not working full-time. And even if women do have a choice like I do, they make different choices than I do. And that’s great! For some women, they have no desire to work outside of the home. For others, they wouldn’t trade any time at home for any amount of money. Each family gets to make their own choice and this is ours. I want to live my life with no regrets and right now, working part-time is a decision that I don’t regret. To me, it seems the best of both worlds. And I love it!

How did you decide to stay-at-home, work full-time or work part-time post-baby?

Photo: Public Domain Pictures

The stay-at-home mom / working mom debate will probably continue to wage, but a new survey released today by TheBump.com and ForbesWoman.com gives us a glimpse into what moms of different employment statuses are really thinking and feeling. It suggests that many of those who work full-time and those who stay home full-time aren’t happy with their current roles.

982 women participated in the survey, and of them, 664 were working mothers. When asked if having a child affected their work performance, 34 percent admitted their work performance was slacking a bit and they wished they were home with baby instead of at work. In fact, 47 percent felt they would be happier if they didn’t have to work at all.

Unfortunately, the current economic situation makes staying at home impossible for many women. For working moms, 62 percent say financial circumstances were the reason they chose to return to work. In addition, 48 percent of the working moms and 33 percent of the stay-at-home moms said that being able to stop working is a financial luxury that many families can’t afford.

“Americans are facing more financial pressure than ever, and our survey reveals some troubling cracks in the facade of the have-it-all working mother,” says Meghan Casserly, ForbesWoman staff writer. “More than a third resent their partners for not earning enough to make it a possibility. This raises some significant questions for parents and the companies that hope to keep them in the workforce.”

Not only does the decision to work or not affect a mother’s mood (and her relationship with her spouse), but it also affects how they treat themselves. Both working moms and stay-at-home moms feel they sacrifice ”me” time to fulfill their roles (34 percent and 58 percent, respectively). They also spend less money on themselves, with 34 percent of working moms and 53 percent of stay-at-home moms spending less than $50 on themselves a month. What happened to treating yourself?

“Personal spending and even full-time careers are taking a backseat to raising children and are ultimately having an effect on moms’ overall happiness,” says Carley Roney, editor in chief of TheBump.com. “This survey reveals that whether working or stay-at-home, moms are feeling pressure from their financial situation and partners to choose their role.”

With 25 percent of stay-at-home moms feeling that they’ve sacrificed their identity by being at home, and 43 percent of working moms saying they have been made to feel they don’t spend enough time with their children, we have to wonder, do part-time working moms have the best of both worlds? Working part time, a mom makes money to help her family’s financial security, gets to keep the non-mom side of her brain sharp, yet she also has plenty of time with the kids.

Are you a stay-at-home mom, a full-time working mom or a part-time working mom? What do you think is the best scenario?

Plus more from The Bump:

The Back-to-Work Guide for New Moms

The Truth About Being a Working Mom

What It’s Really Like to Be A Stay-at-Home Mom